Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Steve and May, thank you. Really. I mean it. Lots for me to think about and I NEED to hear your guidance (along with all the other newbies out here). I'm a very blunt person, so don't take my blunt responses as I'm angry or defensive.

I fully agree that I can't make excuses for him and I do expect him to own what he's done at some point, especially if there is any chance at a reconciliation. And honestly, I lean towards the feeling that things will not get to that level more than I am hopeful they will. I'm realistic, but hopeful. And I know I will make it regardless.

I do have to let go. In fact, it's been my struggle the last week or so...really getting myself there in my heart. The fact that I think he is off spending the week with his OW, while his son is here (during our week), during a pandemic, really gets to me. It's deplorable. I've had to set only two boundaries so far. First that he take off her ring around me (that I saw him wearing on his pinky when he started to stay at the house again), and the other that if he went to see her, I'd not stop him, but he needs to quarantine and get tested to not expose the family to Covid. As I know he is planning to celebrate his and S20 birthday next week, it certainly doesn't appear he will do that. Of course, I don't have hard-core proof he is with OW. But in my gut I think he is.

We did have a R talk last week where he asked again about selling the house and getting a D. I told him I wanted to work on things. It went calmly, and ended on a friendly note (although not resolved), but since then I have acted a bit more detached and I think I will do my best to drop the rope completely now. Like WF, I think he thinks we can just be friends, but I can't imagine being friends with my XH who cheated on me. So I DO need to fully let go. It will be hard, but I know it's the right thing to do. I can't put the full focus on myself until I do. That is clear.

My lawyer finally got back to me with a post-nuptial agreement for some funds that he took out of our joint savings account to use for his own purposes. I will also need to present that next week and hope he is willing to sign it, but if not, then things will probably get a bit messy in the D process. I did make the suggestion weeks ago and then my lawyer went dark, so now I'm not exactly sure how to bring it up again. Especially as I did find evidence that he started an online D questionnaire, so there is a part of me just waiting for him to actually serve me, making my agreement pointless in the short term. He actually is one of those 'this can be an amicable D we can do online, and we can be friends!' types. Right. I don't think so.

As for sons, it's very hard to figure out how they really feel about all of this. I asked to be part of the conversation when he told them, but he ended up doing it on his own, although I did get to have a second family convo with them with him. At that point it was more about how I am still committed to them and such, and not why he is doing what he is doing. I believe he told them he just needs to be happy, but I really don't know what he said to them. But boys this age barely want to talk, and definitely do not want to talk to a female about relationships. I've gently asked and offered myself to talk, but they get all fidgety and don't want to talk and say they are 'cool with whatever we both need or want'. Sometimes I wish I had girls. Boys are harder I think. ha! I am grateful that they do love me, will still stay here with me even if he isn't here, and all of that. I just worry about how they will view relationships...its already so different for kids now then it was for myself at that age.

Anyway, I guess I'm just journalling and rambling now. Thanks for listening.