Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[may22]

Yes, you both have given me some small 2x4s and I needed that!

Here's the thing. You have zero control over this. Zero. It truly does no good to spend any of your precious time and energy on how he feels about OW now or tomorrow or in a year. Try to spend as little time possible thinking about that and redirect that energy back into you and that which you can control.

And also, I feel that you (like me) might go to the literature and use it as a way to semi-detach, take yourself emotionally out of the game so that you can be more of an observer. But don't forget that what he is doing is NOT OKAY, even if you can label it. He may be a flawed human being who has made terrible mistakes but is worthy of forgiveness... but he is also a liar and a cheater who doesn't share your same values around marriage and family. Don't underestimate the righteous anger and the grief that might be building up inside of you with nowhere to go. I did that, and I don't recommend it.

I do realize I have no control over this, but I do see how I am still hanging on to the idea of him noticing and making changes as a result. I DO need to let that go. And part of me has, but not all of me. That is something I have to work more on. I DO need to be where it doesn't really matter one way or another, that I can accept both endings fully. I logically feel that I can, but I also need to feel it and reflect it in my actions. Thanks for that. And, yes, I have concerns about detaching now and how the anger and grief that is building up inside will be let out. But I'm resolved that it will come later, if at all in our process. If it doesn't, I will have to find a way to work through it on my own. Right now, after not being well and being so stressed, I need to put those things on the back burner and just try to be the best me each day and do things that help me to feel good and positive. I need that for my own sanity and health at this moment. And I know, I do need to stop looking at the OW social...

All of this takes time. You're doing really well, I think. You see what is happening and are handling it the best way that you can. I didn't say this meaning that you needed to make changes today by any stretch, but just to make sure you were aware. In my own experience and from others here, it seems like detachment/acceptance/release of that-which-you-cannot-control is a slow and personal process. You can fake it til you make it, but that still doesn't change the fact that you can't force it. So keep working on that.

One thing I think that has set Wayfarer apart is that I think she totally dropped the rope early on. Her expectation was that he was going to walk and she was ok with that. You see as she gets farther along in her sitch that it is when he starts to lean in that she gets freaked out. From all the reading of various sitches on this site, I think that authentic dropping of the rope, letting go and letting God as she says, is the real key. Very difficult to do when you're living with the person which is part of the reason I think the CW on the board is to kick them out, but it is not impossible. I always figured it might be the harder path but one I was willing to walk if it protected my children from pain in any way. I had/have to constantly remind myself of that decision, which I'd make again in a heartbeat. I don't regret it at all.

In terms of dealing with your own pain and healing, that all makes sense and it sounds like you have a good handle on it. Compartmentalization can be a sanity-saver especially for those of us whose WSs are still in the house. It is just that I have had to deal recently with all the anger and grief I pushed down and it was really difficult. If you can find a way to express it in a healthy way now, even just bits of it, it may be beneficial to you.

Steve is another one whose S never moved out and he reconciled, so I think he's a good person to have on your thread and a great example of how to DB while in the same house, just like Wayfarer. There aren't many of us in that boat. (Though as Steve will be quick to remind you, his wife only had an EA, not a PA, or he'd have walked... haha said with love, Steve!!)

You're doing great. Keep it up. Self care, detach, GAL. Remove your focus from him and place it squarely on yourself and the boys. Lather, rinse, repeat... as they say, a marathon not a sprint.