Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Yes, you both have given me some small 2x4s and I needed that!

Here's the thing. You have zero control over this. Zero. It truly does no good to spend any of your precious time and energy on how he feels about OW now or tomorrow or in a year. Try to spend as little time possible thinking about that and redirect that energy back into you and that which you can control.

And also, I feel that you (like me) might go to the literature and use it as a way to semi-detach, take yourself emotionally out of the game so that you can be more of an observer. But don't forget that what he is doing is NOT OKAY, even if you can label it. He may be a flawed human being who has made terrible mistakes but is worthy of forgiveness... but he is also a liar and a cheater who doesn't share your same values around marriage and family. Don't underestimate the righteous anger and the grief that might be building up inside of you with nowhere to go. I did that, and I don't recommend it.

I do realize I have no control over this, but I do see how I am still hanging on to the idea of him noticing and making changes as a result. I DO need to let that go. And part of me has, but not all of me. That is something I have to work more on. I DO need to be where it doesn't really matter one way or another, that I can accept both endings fully. I logically feel that I can, but I also need to feel it and reflect it in my actions. Thanks for that. And, yes, I have concerns about detaching now and how the anger and grief that is building up inside will be let out. But I'm resolved that it will come later, if at all in our process. If it doesn't, I will have to find a way to work through it on my own. Right now, after not being well and being so stressed, I need to put those things on the back burner and just try to be the best me each day and do things that help me to feel good and positive. I need that for my own sanity and health at this moment. And I know, I do need to stop looking at the OW social...

In both his marriage and his R after marriage he was an innocent victim. XW was a narcissist and horrible. R after D was a cheater that talked him into an open relationship. Then somehow through all of that he ends up cheating on you.

I find it hard to believe that he was innocent in the breakup of his marriage and in landing himself in the open R afterward. You make LOTS of excuses for him, do you realize that you do that? Look at how you rationalize his MLC: The aging, the body not handling things, the stresses of work and home life, the crazy XW, the fixer upper home, etc. He's running from it all. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He's not the first one to go through all of that, and in fact others have gone through worse. And yet didn't cheat on their wife Stop making excuses for him. You need HIM to own his stuff just like YOU own your stuff. I know you added that he created a lot of the above, and that's a good start. Remember, life is not what someone goes through, it is how they react to it. Do not make excuses for him, it isn't healthy.

Just because I described his situations in limited detail, does not mean I see him as an innocent victim. I know he contributed to problems in his past M. I've had many a conversation with him and his family to have some idea of that dynamic. My H has his personality traits that were not helpful, but his XW is crazy and wasn't a good person as well. And I've witnessed her behaviors first hand. You can't reason with crazy. I have discussed her AP with her directly as she did have AP in her life on and off the last 10 years (and exposed to the boys). So it did happen. As for his other R, I know less about her, but I do know that what she did was cruel, and I also recognize that he is doing something very similar to me now. Don't think I don't know that he is a liar, cheater, selfish, etc. But I do recognize that if this is a MLC, he may be not himself or able to handle what he is feeling. Sure, he may not snap out of it and may be this jerk forever (if so, the OW can have him). But for now I am standing. You are right, difficult things happen to people and how you handle them is important. But he is not the strongest person. I know this about him. So his ammo is to run, avoid, shutdown. But most times he realizes that doesn't get him anywhere. I am hoping he faces his issues and grows from this experience. I am not making excuses for him by pointing out what he is running from. I live it every day. In fact, our lives were so stressful the last few years I became ill...and I'm a strong person. I am not giving it forever. I have in my head I'd give it a year. Maybe less if I decide I'm done sooner. He may very well have to D me and go live with OW before he realizes what his life with me was. I'm not wearing any rose-colored glasses about his faults and or the possible outcomes.

So, yes, feeling he is in MLC does make me to feel differently about his affair. I'm standing based on what I feel in this scenario as it is. Right now this is where I am at based on what I know/feel right now. He's not going to own his part in this moment, but I am owning mine...and much of my self-care is working on my side of the problems in our relationship and working to make myself the best version of me that I can be so that I am prepared for what happens next...with him or with someone else. But if every woman dumped her MLC spouse when he had an AP, there would be no busted Ds. So I refuse to feel bad about standing at this moment and seeing it as part of the MLC process. Sure, I may be wrong with him being in MLC, or he may not snap out of it, but either way I am doing what I feel is the right thing for myself and my situation at the moment.

Thank you both for the 2x4s, and keep them coming. I need to hear all sides . It does help me a lot and I appreciate it!