Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Hi May,

Finally catching up here but still off reading WF sitch. Wow, that woman is one strong woman!

I know earlier you said you’d received the books and were reading them— what else did you get besides DB? If you haven’t read her affair book Healing from Infidelity, I definitely recommend you read that one as well. There is a chapter specifically aimed at how to handle a spouse who is in an active affair and still living in the home. (Spoiler— she says people will tell you he’s cake eating and you’re a doormat and that you shouldn’t listen to them. You’re simply fighting for your marriage in the smartest way possible.)

I did receive both DB/DR books, and halfway through DB then poked into DR when it was suggested I should refer to that one. I'm also reading a couple of boundary books (as I think I was very poor at handling my boundaries and got resentful when they didn't hold), that 'live in the Now' book you always hear Oprah talking about, some B Browne books, and a book on infidelity recovery. I'm kinda all over the place... ha! The DR book does include some of what you mentioned, but I will have to order her affair book as well...

It seems on this board (newcomers in particular— MLC much less so) the majority of the posters recommend the Last Resort Technique, or even more frequently the Last Last Resort Technique (I think that is what it is called— can’t remember exactly! ) I think that is because it is felt that by time most posters get here, their sitches are extreme enough that the LRT is really the only appropriate route; that most of DBing is for people in much less dire situations.

However, I really think it has more to do with the attitude and ability of the LBS, that for most people, IHS is incredibly difficult, and it is very hard to detach and GAL while living with a spouse actively carrying on an affair. I do think that the long-distance nature of your H’s affair makes it easier to handle less emotionally than if she lived in your town. Every sitch is different and every poster is different in what they can handle.

Yeah, when H first said he wanted a D, I kicked him out and was so confused that he was in a rush to leave. I felt I was doing it because my family said I should, but I was very confused and scared and once it happened, it just felt off. I see now that it actually pushed him to go meet up with his OW. No wonder he was in a hurry to leave...it was like I had given him permission in his mind. But after learning more about MLC and affairs, I learned so much and felt so differently than I would have thought I would about the affair. In the past I've always said I would never tolerate it and the guy would be so out of there. But when it happens to you, it's really different, as life is not that cut and dry. And I don't think he's been in his right mind the last few years. If it's really MLC, then maybe he's confused and lost. OW is in a different state right now, but I know they are trying to get her here within 'a year' as I was told by a friend of H. I also saw she posted a question about my city on social (yes, I do stalk on occasion and know I shouldn't). So, I'm guessing it's still in the works as of a couple of days ago. But, yeah, if she gets here, I suspect I'd feel totally different and not sure I could be in the same house while he's sleeping with her elsewhere at the same time. I do have the luxury of some time with OW being married and having it be more complicated for them to figure out. Not sure if that is good because I also worry that not having access to each other will drag it out as well. I read that EA are almost more difficult to get over.

I think it is important to spend time not just on thinking about how to interact (or not) with your H, but really dig into your own values and try to understand where your own boundaries lie. These will not be the same as those of other posters. Everyone needs to be true to their own value system, what matters most to them, what they are willing to tolerate, what they aren’t. That is OKAY.

I'm not as good at expressing myself like Wayfarer, but in many ways, I am so like her when it comes to my principles and values. I married this man and his kids for better and for worse. It's not in my nature to just walk away and give up. Not when I've committed to it and have been confused as h3ll what happened to us the last few years. For myself as well, I have to feel I did what I could to walk away and move forward. That is NOT saying I can't live without him, I know I can. This isn't my first rodeo. But I want to know I tried and learn what I can from the experience. Most people I know think I'm crazy. It's so hard when I feel like I have to defend my decisions to everyone in my life. Not one of them have been in my shoes. Not one has had someone in MLC to understand how insane it is. I don't feel like this guy is my H. Like WF said, he's a really poor photocopy of poor photocopy. I need to know if he will every be the man I need in M2.0. Because I agree, if we make it to that and do the work, it will be so much better. But if we don't, I will be able to move on with a clear conscious and heart.

(Another point I want to make — you can’t force any of this. Everyone finds their own path towards acceptance/detachment differently. Every person I’ve followed here who has found that place has said they got to it honestly and even though they wish they had gotten there sooner, they know they couldn’t have done it without walking the path they walked. So don’t pressure yourself into doing something that you’re not ready for.)

Thank you so much for explaining more how to be detached. And reading WF's story also helps. I do better with directions when I'm shown. lol I do see now that I've allowed more engagement than necessary. I have stepped back and he's reached out, so I know I just need to do more of that and less of the leaning in towards him. Like right now, he's out of town doing some skiing. I suspect with the OW. I saw him on a work zoom and he didn't have his ring on and he's been wearing his ring almost this entire time. He took it off at first, but then put it on. I did the same and have been wearing mine. So that is why I think he's with her. I didn't reach out to him at all the last couple of days and today he asked me for something he could have gotten from someone else. So I smiled thinking at least he's thinking of me while he is with her.

Yeah, I'll still be cooking and doing some laundry, but I will not buy his treats and other more personal things. Step back more...as I see now I wasn't doing it enough. Another thing that is hard is this week is also his birthday week...and I'm not sure if I should send him a message on the day of his bday. We are right now planning to celebrate both his and S20's next week at home. My bday was near the holidays and even though he was staying at his friends house during that time, he insisted on making me dinner and spending it as a family. When I said I wanted to do that same at first he harshly said no. Then I said okay. Then he softened and suggested the plan for next week. So now that he is with OW (and probably why he first responded harshly), I'm sort of confused on the best approach now? Just ignore it until he's back?

Some other details, when he first moved out and after I saw that he drained a shared account and I asked him where the money went, he said he was spending it on AirBnBs for February and the summer. So far, I'm not sure if this is the one for February or if he is moving out when he gets back from his trip. So if I act super detached, if that would give him more justification to move out. So confusing trying to read their minds and figure out the best way to be.

For me, what I have been doing has been working...because my health hasn't been good and I had so much anxiety and stress the last few years I thought I was having a heart attack. So having my emotions more steady and not having any negativity has been really good. It doesn't mean I am not hurting, but it has helped me to stay sane to not feel like I'm pushing myself to be colder or warmer than I feel comfortable with. That being said, I am in a better state of mind and physical health to start DBing proper while still taking care of myself and setting boundaries. So far he's been pretty easy going. But I have been careful to realize that the ugly side will show itself...so I'm prepared a bit for that as well when it comes.

[Elbereth]

I have to say though that GAL is so hard in this pandemic. And I have very few friends that are local. I do get out with my BFF and I have been doing lots of long walks and baths, and other things for myself. But I would love to get all dolled up and be all mysterious and out there doing stuff, but everything is closed up pretty much. I can't even go to a bar by myself! I may ask a family member if I can spend time in their second home, just to have somewhere else to be. I'm very much a homebody and he knows it, and it irritated him. I do want to do more things and I feel I neglected myself over the last few years, so that has been hard as it's not like I can take the classes I'd like right now or do some of the things I'd like. But for being a homebody, I think I am comfortable in my own skin...I can be alone with myself and be fine. I think he resented that so much because he is not as comfortable in his own skin. He's obviously been fighting some inner things. I faced a lot of my inner issue when I was D the last time...so I'm ahead there, even if I know I still have a lot to work on for myself.

What is the story on both of your 1st marriages? Length of time for both? Were you both D'd when you met? Any history of cheating in either of them?

I married too young in my early 20s, so was married 18yrs. Did 2yrs MC and moved on with a clear conscious. Nothing bad happened there, just married to young and grew to be different people. H's first marriage was 9 years. His W cheated on him. She is also a seriously ill narcissist. He was also cheated on in his next relationship, after a year and a half of dating and then continued to 'date her' while it was an open relationship. He also set his kids aside for this one as she didn't like kids. When I met him he'd been single for a bit, and had regrets about putting his kids aside and immediately mentioned them on first date. Made it clear that they were a priority. He also talked about how terrible he felt after that last relationship, how terrible he felt knowing she was going out with her other guys, sharing the same bed they were having sex in, etc. I think it really screwed him up a bit for a while. He even attempted suicide because of it. It really seemed that he had come through his difficult period and had done a lot of growth when we met. I never in a million years would have thought he'd cheat on me after how devastating it had been for him.

We had a lot of great years. Of course being a step mom has been hard, especially with a crazy XW. He's always been a bit controlling and not as strong of a person as I am. When I read about MLC, I look back on the last few years and it just clicks. The aging, the body not handling things, the stresses of work and home life, the crazy XW, the fixer upper home, etc. He's running from it all. But he created a lot of it. This is his life too. I'm the third wheel in his family (which I took on as my own even when I didn't get to have much choices in how things go with the kids and all). But I do feel like he's the love of my life. Being in his arms feels like home. Even when he is driving me crazy, I still love him. Our relationship was fast and rushed. We moved in together very quickly and under a lot of craziness...and made it. His family feels I saved him. But he also saved me as I never had known what love was until I met him. Even if we don't make it, I'm grateful that I got to feel that at least once in my life. And these boys? Well, I love them too, a lot, and they are the only kids I will ever have as I didn't have any bio kids of my own. I'm not ready to give up on them and they deserve better. Hell, their bio-parents are used to giving up and I don't want my boys growing up thinking that's how you roll with relationships and commitments.

LOL she is the best. Don't judge me when you get to the parts of me hiding out on her thread because I didn't want to post on my own. wink

I'd NEVER do that, and I've not read your sitch yet (its next), but I can tell you now that you are welcome to hide out on my thread any time you want!

I'm so grateful for this forum. Really, thank you to all of your for advice and your support.

[Elbereth]

They 'shouldn't' matter, but you might still want them to, and that's ok. Feelings follow actions. Just keep focusing on your goals - physical, mental, spiritual and you will want it to matter less and less.

I think it's important to be honest to ourselves what our true motives, feelings, thoughts are. We can't adjust our sails if we don't acknowledge where they are.

Elbereth, you're self-aware to acknowledge you want them to see your changes. Good stuff. Here's why I think it's a good idea to primarily choose goals that are for you, where him seeing them doesn't matter. First, if the motivation to "win them back" is driving you, what happens when that's gone--i.e., you reconcile and get comfortable or your hope wanes? Second, if this behavior is "for them" you are likely to slowly build resentment over how much you do "for them". Third, if you ultimately fail to reconcile, a change "for you" prepares you to move forward whereas a change "for them" sets you back to square one.

Yea, I am focused on only doing things that I feel are good for ME...as I agree that they have to be for ME to stick. But I also want him to notice! I can't help it. As I am standing! And DBing, and doing 180s etc. But I'm not doing anything that would only be for him and not myself. For example, he wants me to be more of a runner. I'm not doing that. If I do, I do it enough for cardio health for doing activities I enjoy, but I hate running. Sure, he'd love it if I became a runner. I tried it and I know I hate it. Ha!

So anyway, thanks for the reminders and yes, I will be sure to keep myself and my needs front and center.

Lastly, I keep always seeing a flashing envelope but when I click on it it brings me to a page and says no messages. What am I missing? ha

[may22]

hi Elbereth,

I want to push you gently on something. A couple of baby 2x4s.

I do have the luxury of some time with OW being married and having it be more complicated for them to figure out. Not sure if that is good because I also worry that not having access to each other will drag it out as well. I read that EA are almost more difficult to get over.

Oh, I did this too. I read every book and all the reasons why his A was better or worse, how the distance played in to the length of the limerence phase, EA vs PA, blah blah blah.

Here's the thing. You have zero control over this. Zero. It truly does no good to spend any of your precious time and energy on how he feels about OW now or tomorrow or in a year. Try to spend as little time possible thinking about that and redirect that energy back into you and that which you can control.

And also, I feel that you (like me) might go to the literature and use it as a way to semi-detach, take yourself emotionally out of the game so that you can be more of an observer. But don't forget that what he is doing is NOT OKAY, even if you can label it. He may be a flawed human being who has made terrible mistakes but is worthy of forgiveness... but he is also a liar and a cheater who doesn't share your same values around marriage and family. Don't underestimate the righteous anger and the grief that might be building up inside of you with nowhere to go. I did that, and I don't recommend it.

Yea, I am focused on only doing things that I feel are good for ME...as I agree that they have to be for ME to stick. But I also want him to notice! I can't help it. As I am standing!

OK, you can admit you want him to notice. That's a good step! But try try try to stop. WSs can sniff that out immediately and it won't work. You really truly to your bones have to not care whether he notices or not. Otherwise, it smacks of the pick-me dance. And you don't want to play that game. It's rigged and you cannot win. You have to start playing your own game, not his.

I think you're doing great though, keep shoveling all your energy into you and the kids. Ruthlessly edit your behaviors and decide if it could be perceived as pursuing-- and if it is, cut it out. For his birthday-- is he going to be on a skiing vacation presumably with OW? If so I would probably not initiate any conversation. If he reaches out first on the day of, you might respond with whatever plus oh and happy birthday! and then leave it at that. You're busy and important.

[SteveLW]

Elbereth, thanks for the background.

So let me see if I get your H's history straight......

In both his marriage and his R after marriage he was an innocent victim. XW was a narcissist and horrible. R after D was a cheater that talked him into an open relationship. Then somehow through all of that he ends up cheating on you.

I find it hard to believe that he was innocent in the breakup of his marriage and in landing himself in the open R afterward. You make LOTS of excuses for him, do you realize that you do that? Look at how you rationalize his MLC: The aging, the body not handling things, the stresses of work and home life, the crazy XW, the fixer upper home, etc. He's running from it all. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He's not the first one to go through all of that, and in fact others have gone through worse. And yet didn't cheat on their wife Stop making excuses for him. You need HIM to own his stuff just like YOU own your stuff. I know you added that he created a lot of the above, and that's a good start. Remember, life is not what someone goes through, it is how they react to it. Do not make excuses for him, it isn't healthy.

I've told the story of our friends, Larry and Melissa (names changed to protect the innocent and the guilty). Larry had been cheated on in his first marriage. Melissa had been cheated on and abused by her first husband. They got married, seemed happy, were our dear friends. They had two kids whom we adored.

About 10 years in, Melissa cheated on Larry. Didn't tell him that was going on, but just said she wanted a D. There were some extenuating circumstances in their sitch that are not relevant for this discussion, but Larry eventually, at our behest (since Melissa was acting so weird) hired a PI and found out she was, and had been for months, having a PA with a coworker. And that they now were planning on leaving their spouses and marrying (last I heard she still was married to the AP). Larry found out, 12 years after believing everything Melissa said about her first marriage, that SHE had abused her first husband and had cheated on him, not the other way around. He found this out from Melissa's mother whom she claimed she was estranged from so that Larry had never met her or Melissa's father. Likely to hide the truth. (They lived several states away.)

Even if he is telling the truth, it may not be the whole truth. Remember, there are 3 sides to every story: Yours, Mine and The Truth.

[Elbereth]

Yes, you both have given me some small 2x4s and I needed that!

Here's the thing. You have zero control over this. Zero. It truly does no good to spend any of your precious time and energy on how he feels about OW now or tomorrow or in a year. Try to spend as little time possible thinking about that and redirect that energy back into you and that which you can control.

And also, I feel that you (like me) might go to the literature and use it as a way to semi-detach, take yourself emotionally out of the game so that you can be more of an observer. But don't forget that what he is doing is NOT OKAY, even if you can label it. He may be a flawed human being who has made terrible mistakes but is worthy of forgiveness... but he is also a liar and a cheater who doesn't share your same values around marriage and family. Don't underestimate the righteous anger and the grief that might be building up inside of you with nowhere to go. I did that, and I don't recommend it.

I do realize I have no control over this, but I do see how I am still hanging on to the idea of him noticing and making changes as a result. I DO need to let that go. And part of me has, but not all of me. That is something I have to work more on. I DO need to be where it doesn't really matter one way or another, that I can accept both endings fully. I logically feel that I can, but I also need to feel it and reflect it in my actions. Thanks for that. And, yes, I have concerns about detaching now and how the anger and grief that is building up inside will be let out. But I'm resolved that it will come later, if at all in our process. If it doesn't, I will have to find a way to work through it on my own. Right now, after not being well and being so stressed, I need to put those things on the back burner and just try to be the best me each day and do things that help me to feel good and positive. I need that for my own sanity and health at this moment. And I know, I do need to stop looking at the OW social...

In both his marriage and his R after marriage he was an innocent victim. XW was a narcissist and horrible. R after D was a cheater that talked him into an open relationship. Then somehow through all of that he ends up cheating on you.

I find it hard to believe that he was innocent in the breakup of his marriage and in landing himself in the open R afterward. You make LOTS of excuses for him, do you realize that you do that? Look at how you rationalize his MLC: The aging, the body not handling things, the stresses of work and home life, the crazy XW, the fixer upper home, etc. He's running from it all. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He's not the first one to go through all of that, and in fact others have gone through worse. And yet didn't cheat on their wife Stop making excuses for him. You need HIM to own his stuff just like YOU own your stuff. I know you added that he created a lot of the above, and that's a good start. Remember, life is not what someone goes through, it is how they react to it. Do not make excuses for him, it isn't healthy.

Just because I described his situations in limited detail, does not mean I see him as an innocent victim. I know he contributed to problems in his past M. I've had many a conversation with him and his family to have some idea of that dynamic. My H has his personality traits that were not helpful, but his XW is crazy and wasn't a good person as well. And I've witnessed her behaviors first hand. You can't reason with crazy. I have discussed her AP with her directly as she did have AP in her life on and off the last 10 years (and exposed to the boys). So it did happen. As for his other R, I know less about her, but I do know that what she did was cruel, and I also recognize that he is doing something very similar to me now. Don't think I don't know that he is a liar, cheater, selfish, etc. But I do recognize that if this is a MLC, he may be not himself or able to handle what he is feeling. Sure, he may not snap out of it and may be this jerk forever (if so, the OW can have him). But for now I am standing. You are right, difficult things happen to people and how you handle them is important. But he is not the strongest person. I know this about him. So his ammo is to run, avoid, shutdown. But most times he realizes that doesn't get him anywhere. I am hoping he faces his issues and grows from this experience. I am not making excuses for him by pointing out what he is running from. I live it every day. In fact, our lives were so stressful the last few years I became ill...and I'm a strong person. I am not giving it forever. I have in my head I'd give it a year. Maybe less if I decide I'm done sooner. He may very well have to D me and go live with OW before he realizes what his life with me was. I'm not wearing any rose-colored glasses about his faults and or the possible outcomes.

So, yes, feeling he is in MLC does make me to feel differently about his affair. I'm standing based on what I feel in this scenario as it is. Right now this is where I am at based on what I know/feel right now. He's not going to own his part in this moment, but I am owning mine...and much of my self-care is working on my side of the problems in our relationship and working to make myself the best version of me that I can be so that I am prepared for what happens next...with him or with someone else. But if every woman dumped her MLC spouse when he had an AP, there would be no busted Ds. So I refuse to feel bad about standing at this moment and seeing it as part of the MLC process. Sure, I may be wrong with him being in MLC, or he may not snap out of it, but either way I am doing what I feel is the right thing for myself and my situation at the moment.

Thank you both for the 2x4s, and keep them coming. I need to hear all sides . It does help me a lot and I appreciate it!

[SteveLW]

Elbereth, I was just pointing out to you that you were making excuses for him. You don't have to justify your waiting for him to me! That is completely up to you.

As far as MLCs, the problem is that sometimes other things get incorrectly categorized as MLCs. For instance, this is who the person really was all along and they were living a lie. Or sometimes it isn't a MLC as much as it is a change in personality/worldview/etc. We call it is "crisis" but many times the person going through it sees it as an epiphany. That they've never been happy and are now doing things to that make them happy. We like to try to diagnose it as a MLC because if we can diagnose, we think it can be healed.

I think in general you are approaching things pretty well, but you do need to make some tweaks. One being not to excuse his bad behavior, and two not trying to nice him back by being super-wife.

Hang in there!

[may22]

Yes, you both have given me some small 2x4s and I needed that!

Here's the thing. You have zero control over this. Zero. It truly does no good to spend any of your precious time and energy on how he feels about OW now or tomorrow or in a year. Try to spend as little time possible thinking about that and redirect that energy back into you and that which you can control.

And also, I feel that you (like me) might go to the literature and use it as a way to semi-detach, take yourself emotionally out of the game so that you can be more of an observer. But don't forget that what he is doing is NOT OKAY, even if you can label it. He may be a flawed human being who has made terrible mistakes but is worthy of forgiveness... but he is also a liar and a cheater who doesn't share your same values around marriage and family. Don't underestimate the righteous anger and the grief that might be building up inside of you with nowhere to go. I did that, and I don't recommend it.

I do realize I have no control over this, but I do see how I am still hanging on to the idea of him noticing and making changes as a result. I DO need to let that go. And part of me has, but not all of me. That is something I have to work more on. I DO need to be where it doesn't really matter one way or another, that I can accept both endings fully. I logically feel that I can, but I also need to feel it and reflect it in my actions. Thanks for that. And, yes, I have concerns about detaching now and how the anger and grief that is building up inside will be let out. But I'm resolved that it will come later, if at all in our process. If it doesn't, I will have to find a way to work through it on my own. Right now, after not being well and being so stressed, I need to put those things on the back burner and just try to be the best me each day and do things that help me to feel good and positive. I need that for my own sanity and health at this moment. And I know, I do need to stop looking at the OW social...

All of this takes time. You're doing really well, I think. You see what is happening and are handling it the best way that you can. I didn't say this meaning that you needed to make changes today by any stretch, but just to make sure you were aware. In my own experience and from others here, it seems like detachment/acceptance/release of that-which-you-cannot-control is a slow and personal process. You can fake it til you make it, but that still doesn't change the fact that you can't force it. So keep working on that.

One thing I think that has set Wayfarer apart is that I think she totally dropped the rope early on. Her expectation was that he was going to walk and she was ok with that. You see as she gets farther along in her sitch that it is when he starts to lean in that she gets freaked out. From all the reading of various sitches on this site, I think that authentic dropping of the rope, letting go and letting God as she says, is the real key. Very difficult to do when you're living with the person which is part of the reason I think the CW on the board is to kick them out, but it is not impossible. I always figured it might be the harder path but one I was willing to walk if it protected my children from pain in any way. I had/have to constantly remind myself of that decision, which I'd make again in a heartbeat. I don't regret it at all.

In terms of dealing with your own pain and healing, that all makes sense and it sounds like you have a good handle on it. Compartmentalization can be a sanity-saver especially for those of us whose WSs are still in the house. It is just that I have had to deal recently with all the anger and grief I pushed down and it was really difficult. If you can find a way to express it in a healthy way now, even just bits of it, it may be beneficial to you.

Steve is another one whose S never moved out and he reconciled, so I think he's a good person to have on your thread and a great example of how to DB while in the same house, just like Wayfarer. There aren't many of us in that boat. (Though as Steve will be quick to remind you, his wife only had an EA, not a PA, or he'd have walked... haha said with love, Steve!!)

You're doing great. Keep it up. Self care, detach, GAL. Remove your focus from him and place it squarely on yourself and the boys. Lather, rinse, repeat... as they say, a marathon not a sprint.

[Elbereth]

Steve and May, thank you. Really. I mean it. Lots for me to think about and I NEED to hear your guidance (along with all the other newbies out here). I'm a very blunt person, so don't take my blunt responses as I'm angry or defensive.

I fully agree that I can't make excuses for him and I do expect him to own what he's done at some point, especially if there is any chance at a reconciliation. And honestly, I lean towards the feeling that things will not get to that level more than I am hopeful they will. I'm realistic, but hopeful. And I know I will make it regardless.

I do have to let go. In fact, it's been my struggle the last week or so...really getting myself there in my heart. The fact that I think he is off spending the week with his OW, while his son is here (during our week), during a pandemic, really gets to me. It's deplorable. I've had to set only two boundaries so far. First that he take off her ring around me (that I saw him wearing on his pinky when he started to stay at the house again), and the other that if he went to see her, I'd not stop him, but he needs to quarantine and get tested to not expose the family to Covid. As I know he is planning to celebrate his and S20 birthday next week, it certainly doesn't appear he will do that. Of course, I don't have hard-core proof he is with OW. But in my gut I think he is.

We did have a R talk last week where he asked again about selling the house and getting a D. I told him I wanted to work on things. It went calmly, and ended on a friendly note (although not resolved), but since then I have acted a bit more detached and I think I will do my best to drop the rope completely now. Like WF, I think he thinks we can just be friends, but I can't imagine being friends with my XH who cheated on me. So I DO need to fully let go. It will be hard, but I know it's the right thing to do. I can't put the full focus on myself until I do. That is clear.

My lawyer finally got back to me with a post-nuptial agreement for some funds that he took out of our joint savings account to use for his own purposes. I will also need to present that next week and hope he is willing to sign it, but if not, then things will probably get a bit messy in the D process. I did make the suggestion weeks ago and then my lawyer went dark, so now I'm not exactly sure how to bring it up again. Especially as I did find evidence that he started an online D questionnaire, so there is a part of me just waiting for him to actually serve me, making my agreement pointless in the short term. He actually is one of those 'this can be an amicable D we can do online, and we can be friends!' types. Right. I don't think so.

As for sons, it's very hard to figure out how they really feel about all of this. I asked to be part of the conversation when he told them, but he ended up doing it on his own, although I did get to have a second family convo with them with him. At that point it was more about how I am still committed to them and such, and not why he is doing what he is doing. I believe he told them he just needs to be happy, but I really don't know what he said to them. But boys this age barely want to talk, and definitely do not want to talk to a female about relationships. I've gently asked and offered myself to talk, but they get all fidgety and don't want to talk and say they are 'cool with whatever we both need or want'. Sometimes I wish I had girls. Boys are harder I think. ha! I am grateful that they do love me, will still stay here with me even if he isn't here, and all of that. I just worry about how they will view relationships...its already so different for kids now then it was for myself at that age.

Anyway, I guess I'm just journalling and rambling now. Thanks for listening.

[may22]

I've had to set only two boundaries so far. First that he take off her ring around me (that I saw him wearing on his pinky when he started to stay at the house again), and the other that if he went to see her, I'd not stop him, but he needs to quarantine and get tested to not expose the family to Covid. As I know he is planning to celebrate his and S20 birthday next week, it certainly doesn't appear he will do that. Of course, I don't have hard-core proof he is with OW. But in my gut I think he is.

Ugh, he's wearing her ring? I'm so sorry. That's gross. For some reason when I read this before I hadn't caught that.

But more importantly... if the testing/quarantine is a real boundary for you, how will you enforce that? Just not go? Not let him back in the house? Leave yourself? Remember that boundaries are about protecting you, not about controlling him.