Quick journaling because something happened last night which I think isn't good for me at all. I'm pretty sure like I've broken the DB rules.
W came home last night super drunk and was making the toilet bowl her bed. I went in to check on her because I wanted to use the bathroom and found her there. Gave her something warm to drink, carried her to her bed which kinda messed up my still-recovering-from-ops-right-knee, changed out her clothes which she didn’t resist and tucked her into bed.
I’ve not been so up close with my W for a year plus and I was contemplating to be intimate when she was naked. But I managed to compose myself and did the right thing by not taking advantage of the situation. Throughout the process she only muttered one phrase softly, “Leave me alone” while I was changing out her clothes which she wasn’t resisting at all; in fact she went along with it.
She thanked me the next day and went radio silence again. I’m trying so hard not to expect any form of gratitude in return and boy was it hard but I managed to pull thru!
Also I had my usual therapy today as well. I have a gut feeling that my therapist is gearing me up on the prospect of divorcing. I'm not repulsed to the idea; I told her I'm not in a position to put a hard date to it yet as I'm still a work in progress. When I can't even answer the question of what do I really want confidently, I shouldn't be making hasty decisions.
W's inaction is in a way giving me time to focus and work on myself. My current focus in order of priority: Kids, work, GAL, health. I'm trying not to allow any breathing room to analyze my W's actions and words. I might slip here and there but baby steps... baby steps. I don't think I'm on a countdown timer yet so I'll take all the time I can have to work on myself.
AK, you do realize she fired you as her H, right? What you did for her is what a H would do for his W. You ain't that and she ain't that. So why didn't you just leave her to her own misery?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
