Seriously though, I intend to post more and the PA is definitely over. I've literally been the most busy I've been in years and I'm having a hard time managing my day. She's about to go to sea for most of the year so any communication between the two of us will be from a long way off with zero physical contact and zero action.
It's not okay that she cheated. Our marriage is not a revolving door. When I'm reassuring her, it's not that her behavior was okay (at least that's not my intention). It's that I'm capable of moving past those things. I've been very clear with her that if she's going to be by my side, then that is not open ended. I've made it clear that I have no compunctions about personally delivering her to a hotel or bus station or whatever if she's not going to stay.
As to her words vs actions.. I'm not going with her to sea. I can't look over her shoulder. I told her as much and moreover that if I need to, then she should just go ahead and move on. I don't want to control her and nor do I want someone who needs to be controlled. If her decisions and mine aren't based on mutual respect then there's no point going forward with our relationship. By contrast, if she is legitimately struggling with her sense of identity AND also a WW WAS, then these are two separate issues. I can't help her with either of those but I can be sympathetic to one (the identity issues) while still maintaining boundaries and an understanding that our actual M might not be salvageable.
Your point does highlight an unavoidable truth. I'm taking her to the airport this week and afterwards won't see her for most of a year. If I'm not in the right place with my disconnect/distancing on this, it will be devastating and detrimental to any potential. Previous deployments have been challenging and this one is her last before retirement. We're already strained and stepping back to specifically focus on myself and our children is likely the only way to retain my sanity and probably my job and student status as well.
