Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. I know I kinda left this hanging but I've been pretty busy with GAL.
First week at my new job (graphic artist with a huge company) has been extremely rewarding. I had given up on working in this field. I had a lot of experience and it's what my BS is geared towards but when we were bouncing around CA there just weren't many openings and freelance work was not reliable. I am still enrolled in cybersecurity for my Masters. The company I'm with is big enough to support a change like that and they encourage it as personal growth is part of their business identity. They've provided me with a laptop and equipment (new phone in transit) and I'm working from home, which is more or less permanent. I can choose to go to the office if I want and the schedule is extremely flexible. I couldn't ask for more. Seriously.
I already completed my orientation for my Masters degree and next week my classes start. I am picking up books this week.
I had Lasik last Friday. I'm typing this without glasses. I'm still a few days away from being 100% but I can already drive.
While updating my wardrobe, my younger teenager noticed and he started tagging along. We found some outlet stores and now he's rocking some Armani like me lol.
My spiritual growth is still moving along. I feel like I understand who I am better and who I want to be because of this.
Things with W are a rollercoaster. I have been trying to push the idea (with myself, not her) that these are my memories. If it falls apart that is for later. In that vein, I have been breaking a rule and taking her on dates. Our 20th Anniv saw us staying in a suite in a resort. We've had a few really nice dinners, and we've gone hiking and on a few other trips. Some of this involved the kids (they really loved the hiking). What I have been careful about is relationship talks, pressure, etc. She's going to be gone for 8 months very soon. Things have been stressful. That said.. she has been talking about feeling guilty, wanting to just be alone, etc. She has been distant. Not mean or unkind like when all of this started.
Over the last few nights, she has been caring for me because of the Lasik recovery. After I laid down with my eye shields and basically can't move, she has been pulling close. Yesterday, she said she feels like she lost her purpose.. she wasn't sure she had one. She talked about it being based on the kids and her job in the military keeping a roof over our heads and similar things. I didn't want to leave her hanging because it's a crappy feeling. I told her I've had to recently rediscover my purpose. My views that I've based my rediscovery of self around stem from concepts and ideas that are sustainable, not a specific person or job or thing. I made it clear to her that my goals have nothing to do with her or the kids.. but they exist in such a way that whoever is in my life is part of those goals/dreams. I'll be doing this or that and living like this.. regardless of any other circumstances. Faith, personality, personal and professional goals, lifestyle choices, life experiences. I don't know if that makes sense.. but a lot of the discussions here have helped me to form my vision of my future.
Another discussion that seems to keep popping up is that she's a monster. She feels guilty. She messed up. She doesn't deserve to have someone care for her. She doesn't feel like she can be herself because she feels bad. I just try to reassure her. I don't know if this is wise but I remind her that I'm not perfect. I don't think that's been particularly successful. I believe she has put herself in a role of the troll under the bridge and put me up on a pedestal because of the dynamics of the recent PA, coupled with basically everything seeming to go right for me since she dropped the bomb. When we were laying there waiting for my eye drops (there's a timer in between them) I told her about some things I did as a teenager, before us. Things she never knew after 20 years. It seemed to change things.
She softened up a lot. She has been leaning in to give me a kiss here and there or for a hug. This morning she left for work and dropped an ILY on me. Then rushed out the door. I've been paying attention to you guys and I know... believe me.. I know. Consistency and time are way more important than any words or gestures. There's every chance that this is anything other than what I wish it was. I'm going to stay hopeful. I'm going to keep GAL, 180 etc.
That's about it. Long update I know. It's time for me to switch to my couch so I can start my work day lol. Thanks everyone!
