Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[may22]

hi Elbereth,

I want to push you gently on something. A couple of baby 2x4s.

I do have the luxury of some time with OW being married and having it be more complicated for them to figure out. Not sure if that is good because I also worry that not having access to each other will drag it out as well. I read that EA are almost more difficult to get over.

Oh, I did this too. I read every book and all the reasons why his A was better or worse, how the distance played in to the length of the limerence phase, EA vs PA, blah blah blah.

Here's the thing. You have zero control over this. Zero. It truly does no good to spend any of your precious time and energy on how he feels about OW now or tomorrow or in a year. Try to spend as little time possible thinking about that and redirect that energy back into you and that which you can control.

And also, I feel that you (like me) might go to the literature and use it as a way to semi-detach, take yourself emotionally out of the game so that you can be more of an observer. But don't forget that what he is doing is NOT OKAY, even if you can label it. He may be a flawed human being who has made terrible mistakes but is worthy of forgiveness... but he is also a liar and a cheater who doesn't share your same values around marriage and family. Don't underestimate the righteous anger and the grief that might be building up inside of you with nowhere to go. I did that, and I don't recommend it.

Yea, I am focused on only doing things that I feel are good for ME...as I agree that they have to be for ME to stick. But I also want him to notice! I can't help it. As I am standing!

OK, you can admit you want him to notice. That's a good step! But try try try to stop. WSs can sniff that out immediately and it won't work. You really truly to your bones have to not care whether he notices or not. Otherwise, it smacks of the pick-me dance. And you don't want to play that game. It's rigged and you cannot win. You have to start playing your own game, not his.

I think you're doing great though, keep shoveling all your energy into you and the kids. Ruthlessly edit your behaviors and decide if it could be perceived as pursuing-- and if it is, cut it out. For his birthday-- is he going to be on a skiing vacation presumably with OW? If so I would probably not initiate any conversation. If he reaches out first on the day of, you might respond with whatever plus oh and happy birthday! and then leave it at that. You're busy and important.