I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[sandi2]

She continues to claim I never talked to her when we were married and honestly I am starting to believe it is true.

Whether it's true or not, there is nothing you can do about it now. I mean, if she believes you didn't talk to her while living together, what kind of sense would it make for her to expect it while on the verge of D?

She told me I do not put my children first, and that is what she expects from me.

Oh, excuse me? Does she not realize she is in no position to tell you how to parent the kids on your time, just as she doesn't want you to criticize her as a mother? She no longer holds authority over you or your life. That's what divorce does......it sets you free. How dare her!

DOes she not know she is destroying me already, does she want to see every piece she has shattered me into? why? I always thought there was love for me left somewhere inside of her, I think that was another big mistake on my side.

It's about vengeance.

I think what I need is a lot of space for myself, to get away from these conversations, from any proof of OM and to be with myself and ask me deep inside, Pack, if ever in the future there was a chance to get your family and W back, what would you want to do?

I want you to hear me carefully. You desire the W and family you once had. Your W has changed. She's not the same person. If all of you lived together again, it would be a different family, b/c both adults have changed and the boys are older. So, honestly, there is no getting the past back. You can't turn back the clock and correct the mistakes that were made five years ago. I think you truly want a chance to make up for the past, b/c she has pounded into your head that you failed. If she moved back today, it would not be a happy occasion, b/c she has no loving feelings for you. Why on earth would you want to live out your life with someone who doesn't love you?

She did mention a couple of times when we were fighting that she was considering a life without me. When I heard this I became incredibly defensive and pulled away, I know I have made mistakes, I just feel our M was young and deserved a transformation. Perhaps it is too late now, I am not going to sit here seeing her with OM while we are married on paper, I am worth more than a safety net, I am worth a lot, I am a good person with good values and a fantastic sense of hard work and responsibility and I am fun to be with. I deserve more than to be a memory from a deficient marriage and a father who pays expenses every month.

I agree!

I have used her rejection in the past as a way to reinforce I needed to keep working on my changes because I "wasn't there yet" and that fueled me to continue to work on myself, which felt amazing. I guess I am answering your question by saying what I need is to find that fuel in how great it feels to improve, for myself and my own sake, leaving her aside.

Pack, listen to me. You can only do your part. She has to do her part, and she refuses. She cuts you down and you take it to mean you need to work harder to get her. No! It means your W is not a nice person. She manipulates you, and blames you. She takes no responsibility for her part. Until that changes, I don't believe there is hope for a future together with her. She is not willing to let go of the past and forgive. Well, so be it. That's her choice to live with that much resentment in her heart, but if I were you, I'd stop holding on to a dream. How could you be happy with a the kind of woman she has become? You've done all the changing. She's done no changing. She wants to hold the past over your head. That's the reality.

I guess I had fantasies about how strong or permanent our M was. I need to go through the pain of realizing not only OM but many others might come and I need to sop thinking about her as the woman who sworn to me to share our lives and take care of our children together.

Yes, you need to grieve. When we lose something precious to us, it hurts very deeply. You don't get through the grief in a few days and then it's all done. It comes in stages. You'll have better days, and then something will trigger your sorrow again. But here's the thing, Pack. If you had let go a year ago, you would be through the worst part by now and having a new outlook for your Paco's life. You have cried a lot of tears, but I don't think they were tears of grief. I hope you will let go and grieve for what the M could have been, and accept the reality.

I know you have suffered so much, and I could paint a beautiful picture just to keep you hanging on to false hope. But that's not the type person I am. I hope you'll resign yourself to the fact if the two of you ever get back together, it will be b/c she changes and she chases you down to tell you how sorry she is for hurting you and begs you to give her another chance. I don't want to see you giving up the life you could have b/c you're waiting around in hopes this will happen. I don't think she will. She comes out as the loser. She made this choice. You've done all you could to save the M, but she won't have it. Does that mean you have to work harder, make more changes? NO! It means it's over and there's nothing more you can do.

It has been a year and a half and I should be way stronger by now. I am going for a run now as I said, I need it, and then I have IC later today. I will come and post about the session.

Yes, please do!