Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Hi May,

Finally catching up here but still off reading WF sitch. Wow, that woman is one strong woman!

I know earlier you said you’d received the books and were reading them— what else did you get besides DB? If you haven’t read her affair book Healing from Infidelity, I definitely recommend you read that one as well. There is a chapter specifically aimed at how to handle a spouse who is in an active affair and still living in the home. (Spoiler— she says people will tell you he’s cake eating and you’re a doormat and that you shouldn’t listen to them. You’re simply fighting for your marriage in the smartest way possible.)

I did receive both DB/DR books, and halfway through DB then poked into DR when it was suggested I should refer to that one. I'm also reading a couple of boundary books (as I think I was very poor at handling my boundaries and got resentful when they didn't hold), that 'live in the Now' book you always hear Oprah talking about, some B Browne books, and a book on infidelity recovery. I'm kinda all over the place... ha! The DR book does include some of what you mentioned, but I will have to order her affair book as well...

It seems on this board (newcomers in particular— MLC much less so) the majority of the posters recommend the Last Resort Technique, or even more frequently the Last Last Resort Technique (I think that is what it is called— can’t remember exactly! ) I think that is because it is felt that by time most posters get here, their sitches are extreme enough that the LRT is really the only appropriate route; that most of DBing is for people in much less dire situations.

However, I really think it has more to do with the attitude and ability of the LBS, that for most people, IHS is incredibly difficult, and it is very hard to detach and GAL while living with a spouse actively carrying on an affair. I do think that the long-distance nature of your H’s affair makes it easier to handle less emotionally than if she lived in your town. Every sitch is different and every poster is different in what they can handle.

Yeah, when H first said he wanted a D, I kicked him out and was so confused that he was in a rush to leave. I felt I was doing it because my family said I should, but I was very confused and scared and once it happened, it just felt off. I see now that it actually pushed him to go meet up with his OW. No wonder he was in a hurry to leave...it was like I had given him permission in his mind. But after learning more about MLC and affairs, I learned so much and felt so differently than I would have thought I would about the affair. In the past I've always said I would never tolerate it and the guy would be so out of there. But when it happens to you, it's really different, as life is not that cut and dry. And I don't think he's been in his right mind the last few years. If it's really MLC, then maybe he's confused and lost. OW is in a different state right now, but I know they are trying to get her here within 'a year' as I was told by a friend of H. I also saw she posted a question about my city on social (yes, I do stalk on occasion and know I shouldn't). So, I'm guessing it's still in the works as of a couple of days ago. But, yeah, if she gets here, I suspect I'd feel totally different and not sure I could be in the same house while he's sleeping with her elsewhere at the same time. I do have the luxury of some time with OW being married and having it be more complicated for them to figure out. Not sure if that is good because I also worry that not having access to each other will drag it out as well. I read that EA are almost more difficult to get over.

I think it is important to spend time not just on thinking about how to interact (or not) with your H, but really dig into your own values and try to understand where your own boundaries lie. These will not be the same as those of other posters. Everyone needs to be true to their own value system, what matters most to them, what they are willing to tolerate, what they aren’t. That is OKAY.

I'm not as good at expressing myself like Wayfarer, but in many ways, I am so like her when it comes to my principles and values. I married this man and his kids for better and for worse. It's not in my nature to just walk away and give up. Not when I've committed to it and have been confused as h3ll what happened to us the last few years. For myself as well, I have to feel I did what I could to walk away and move forward. That is NOT saying I can't live without him, I know I can. This isn't my first rodeo. But I want to know I tried and learn what I can from the experience. Most people I know think I'm crazy. It's so hard when I feel like I have to defend my decisions to everyone in my life. Not one of them have been in my shoes. Not one has had someone in MLC to understand how insane it is. I don't feel like this guy is my H. Like WF said, he's a really poor photocopy of poor photocopy. I need to know if he will every be the man I need in M2.0. Because I agree, if we make it to that and do the work, it will be so much better. But if we don't, I will be able to move on with a clear conscious and heart.

(Another point I want to make — you can’t force any of this. Everyone finds their own path towards acceptance/detachment differently. Every person I’ve followed here who has found that place has said they got to it honestly and even though they wish they had gotten there sooner, they know they couldn’t have done it without walking the path they walked. So don’t pressure yourself into doing something that you’re not ready for.)

Thank you so much for explaining more how to be detached. And reading WF's story also helps. I do better with directions when I'm shown. lol I do see now that I've allowed more engagement than necessary. I have stepped back and he's reached out, so I know I just need to do more of that and less of the leaning in towards him. Like right now, he's out of town doing some skiing. I suspect with the OW. I saw him on a work zoom and he didn't have his ring on and he's been wearing his ring almost this entire time. He took it off at first, but then put it on. I did the same and have been wearing mine. So that is why I think he's with her. I didn't reach out to him at all the last couple of days and today he asked me for something he could have gotten from someone else. So I smiled thinking at least he's thinking of me while he is with her.

Yeah, I'll still be cooking and doing some laundry, but I will not buy his treats and other more personal things. Step back more...as I see now I wasn't doing it enough. Another thing that is hard is this week is also his birthday week...and I'm not sure if I should send him a message on the day of his bday. We are right now planning to celebrate both his and S20's next week at home. My bday was near the holidays and even though he was staying at his friends house during that time, he insisted on making me dinner and spending it as a family. When I said I wanted to do that same at first he harshly said no. Then I said okay. Then he softened and suggested the plan for next week. So now that he is with OW (and probably why he first responded harshly), I'm sort of confused on the best approach now? Just ignore it until he's back?

Some other details, when he first moved out and after I saw that he drained a shared account and I asked him where the money went, he said he was spending it on AirBnBs for February and the summer. So far, I'm not sure if this is the one for February or if he is moving out when he gets back from his trip. So if I act super detached, if that would give him more justification to move out. So confusing trying to read their minds and figure out the best way to be.

For me, what I have been doing has been working...because my health hasn't been good and I had so much anxiety and stress the last few years I thought I was having a heart attack. So having my emotions more steady and not having any negativity has been really good. It doesn't mean I am not hurting, but it has helped me to stay sane to not feel like I'm pushing myself to be colder or warmer than I feel comfortable with. That being said, I am in a better state of mind and physical health to start DBing proper while still taking care of myself and setting boundaries. So far he's been pretty easy going. But I have been careful to realize that the ugly side will show itself...so I'm prepared a bit for that as well when it comes.