Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Lovely to hear about your skating, even upon a bumpy pond. Did S15 enjoy skiing? Did you go with him, or do any yourself?

I believe you did good with telling son about your cancer. That’s a lot to absorb for a lad of 15, or anyone really that’s never been exposed to that sort of mortality kind of thing. True, the impact will appear dark for a while. Teenagers are learning, and need to have opportunities to learn, about empathy, compassion, lost, love, responsibility, etc. They are still teens and a little unaware yet.

It will take some time for him to come around. He also is realizing his responsibilities and choices and impending adulthood, only 3 1/2 short years until he is an adult. Ah, growing up, with all that freedom of an adult comes all that responsibility. S15 sees it and is figuring out where and how he fits in.

And while discussing, he is also starting to see you as not all-powerful. No longer Mom who can do anything, knows everything, and could ground him forever . He is starting to look at your more as an equal - just starting. That, is a big thing for a teenage boy to absorb. Looking at your parents eye to eye, as it were.

DnJ, I didn't see what you wrote before to S and about being a man. Thank you for that! It would be awesome if he knew you, I wish he did. Right now he is not receptive to much so I don't think I could show him what you said as I did a couple years ago when it was very helpful to him for sure! But tonight, shortly after I wrote my worries about him in my thread, I fell asleep with my heating pad on my back and next thing I knew he had come in to see how I was and to tell me he loves me. He didn't mention cancer but asked questions about my back and if I should go to doctor, etc. A guy friend here (the one who was LBS to an MLCer) told me to give him as much space as possible and let him come to me -- I guess that was good advice!

Nice to see. S15 came to check on you. Asked how you were feeling. Told you he loves you!

That is wonderful!!!

Give it time. (Very good advice IMHO as well).

S15 will bring up questions about cancer. It may not be with you, although I do believe he will eventually. But, he will seek answers - internet, friends, etc. Do not be surprised when he tells D11. When he asks you, be open and honest and factual. He is an upcoming adult and as long as he is behaving as such he should be treated as such. Think leading and inspiring your own son’s path.

DnJ, you always remind me about how each of us has a journey that is our own, and that includes S14 and D11, I know. It's hard to find the line, where to try to guide and where to let go.

What a segue. It’s almost writes itself.

I often wonder where we all draw the line. It is common here for everyone to talk about trying to get the MLCer to step up and be a parent or how it's better for kids to make peace with the MLCer and have that parent in their lives, etc. But I think if I had written here that H regularly beat me, no one would say that I should ensure that D11 stays with him and figures things out as part of her own journey. I think I feel that H is that dangerous. Not physically. But mentally and emotionally. So while everything you say is right and true and also quite helpful to think about, I always have this underlying feeling about that, the normalizing of abuse because it wasn't physical. Why wouldn't he do many of the same things to her that he did to me?

I am a big proponent of “it only takes one strong stable parent to raise a child”. If the MLCer wants to run off with the unicorns and fairies, then let them. One cannot really stop them anyhow. And if they do not want to step up and be a Dad or Mom, so be it. Sort out custody, child support, and rise your kids solo if needed. It only takes one strong stable parent!

However, most MLC parents do not completely abandon their children, it is a rarity even here. For younger kids, that relationship with MLC Dad or Mom can be confusing, and can turn to weaponizing them. My focus and suggestions always aim towards doing what one can do, given the court’s decisions, child support, custody, and so on; not focusing on what one can’t do. And yes, many times that is not the best or idea situation, although it is what one is facing.

“Why wouldn't he do many of the same things to her that he did to me?”

He most likely will. It would be foolhardy to assume and wish differently. Not the idea or best situation, right? So, what can you do? Not what can’t you do or wish you could do?

Validate D11’s feelings, and in that it validates Dad’s as well with her. Shows her that Dad’s feelings are real - to him. Those feelings of his do not need to be her’s. That more than one view can exist at the same time. It’s not which of Mom or Dad is right. It’s both are right in their own views, and what does D11 see. What does D11 see as right?

H telling his daughter that her Mom is an a$$hole is not good - obviously. Validate it. (I know sounds wrong) Validate doesn’t mean condone or you are ok with it. It is just acknowledging that Dad has different feelings.

From there, you and daughter can explore her feelings and thoughts and believe and values.


D11: Dad thinks you’re an ____ because you are trying to hold on to the house until I’m in college.

G: That’s a shame. It’s too bad he feels that way.

G: We do need a place to live.

G: What do you think about what Dad said?

D11: For sure we need a place to live. And this is my home. I think Dad’s mad.


She will lead the conversation somewhat. However, D11’s journey is not all her’s. She’s eleven, and has a caring Mom who’s behaviour has significant influence. Remember D11 sees Dad 65 days a year, and you the other 300. Who do think (not feel) has the bigger affect and influence upon her.

I believe it our role as the stable parent to do all we can to lift ourselves and our children out of this MLC mess. To stop the cycle from continuing another generation. That takes open age appropriate discussions. Answering tough questions. Leading by example. Things like compassion and forgiveness. Rationalizing fears and doubts.

If you notice my mock conversation between you and D11. You ask about H’s feelings and D11’s thoughts. You want to reinforce that Dad is acting on feelings not logical rational thought. You want to elicit, and speak to, D11’s rational side. Have her answer from a place of reason. Don’t worry she will share plenty of her feelings. Us parents help them tap into their rational logical side which is how they make sense of what is going on. And that is the key to stopping this cycle dead in its tracks. Rational understanding and emotional awareness. Heady words for an eleven year old girl, yet easy enough concepts for her.

H is really something. His wanting a doctor’s note. OMG. Lol. No way! He is not your boss.

He is projecting upon you with such a ferocity. His past trauma(s) from whomever authority figure he has buried within are pressuring him quite a bit. Leave him be. Let him go. Give him to God. He is a lost soul.

As you well know, and stated, there is nothing you can do or say to alter his course. He is behaving like a teenage which leads to that spooky confidant relationship with D11. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him. Something daughter and son both need to learn as he projects and blames upon them as well.

You are doing really well my friend. I was so moved with S15 coming in to see how you were doing with your back. He might just listen to “the measure of a man”.

(((Hug)))

D