Trying to heal from WW

[SteveLW]

Thanks for your response Sandi.

I do see myself in some of the points but not all. I actually think this happens when im in a serious relationship only as well. I dont think of myself as a "nice guy" per se, i havent always been the nicest guy to girls in my life but i think when i get into a serious relationship and the fear creeps in i start losing my confidence then i start exhibiting some of the characteristics you mentioned. I probably used to hide that part of myself because of my ego though and it eventually comes out.

My mom was quite overbearing and protective over us, and my dad is a pilot and wasnt around much and was also a very angry guy so i can see your point. I always said i never want to be like him so maybe i overcompensated.

I can definitely relate to the 3 covert contracts you mention, especially point 2. I would always do what i could for her and i expected her to do things for me without me asking and i would build up resentment when that didnt happen.

I will google a bit about it and see how it relates to me and what i can do to work on the parts that do affect me.

I dont think im confusing them, walls are more an emotional barrier to not expose myself and my feelings to someone else. Its more of an internal barrier. Boundaries are more external in my opinion and what you dont want the other person to do to you. This isnt in my control, only my reaction to broken boundaries is. I havent put too much study time into this to be honest, all of this is new to me. I have been studying the last 10 years and i havent put much time into improving myself yet, been growing my faith and reading alot of bible and christian books though the last few months.

As with most things in life, there is no cookie-cutter, one-size fits all. NGS has varying degrees. I was like you, I wasn't full blown NGS, but I certainly did have covert contracts. Some read the No MOre Mr. Nice Guy and are "yep that is me!" to "nope, not me at all" and everywhere in between. I think most guys have it to a varying degree.

AS far as boundaries, you are on the right track. They are "If X does Y, then I will do Z." For instance: "If my wife sleeps with another man, I will go file for divorce." The boundaries is cheating. The action on your part is D. Once you have established a boundary you need to be ready to follow through. Or your boundaries are meaningless and will never be respected.