Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

Hi friends,

Not much to update. I am slowly feeling more settled. Inching closer to perhaps we are ready to piece. H continues to show remorse when appropriate but I'm also realizing he has a mountain of shame/guilt weighing on him in a way I don't think he really did before. He's expressed a couple times to me that he's scared I am going to leave him. He's not in a place, though (I think) yet to really engage in a meaningful way in any of this-- if I let him know the pain I still carry, his guilt rises and it seems he cannot really deal. We are talking about MC but I think I've shared before I'm not really wanting to do the footwork on this, so letting it rest.

Continue to practice being in the moment, grateful for all the good things in my life, my darling children, my family, my good good friends. Thinking (again) about a job change and have said yes to a headhunter that I'm interested in a position, which I have resisted doing for months-- so need to work on my resume and a cover letter this week. Big potential change but I finally think I'm ready. Both MIL/FIL and my parents have gotten their first vaccines now which has taken a big weight off of me that I didn't really acknowledge was there.

This poem was shared with me last week and I thought it might resonate with some of you here. Hope you are all well.

For Calling the Spirit Back from Wandering the Earth in Its Human Feet
Joy Harjo - 1951-

Put down that bag of potato chips, that white bread, that bottle of pop.

Turn off that cellphone, computer, and remote control.

Open the door, then close it behind you.

Take a breath offered by friendly winds. They travel the earth gathering essences of plants to clean.

Give it back with gratitude.

If you sing it will give your spirit lift to fly to the stars’ ears and back.

Acknowledge this earth who has cared for you since you were a dream planting itself precisely within your parents’ desire.

Let your moccasin feet take you to the encampment of the guardians who have known you before time, who will be there after time. They sit before the fire that has been there without time.

Let the earth stabilize your postcolonial insecure jitters.

Be respectful of the small insects, birds and animal people who accompany you.
Ask their forgiveness for the harm we humans have brought down upon them.

Don’t worry.
The heart knows the way though there may be high-rises, interstates, checkpoints, armed soldiers, massacres, wars, and those who will despise you because they despise themselves.

The journey might take you a few hours, a day, a year, a few years, a hundred, a thousand or even more.

Watch your mind. Without training it might run away and leave your heart for the immense human feast set by the thieves of time.

Do not hold regrets.

When you find your way to the circle, to the fire kept burning by the keepers of your soul, you will be welcomed.

You must clean yourself with cedar, sage, or other healing plant.

Cut the ties you have to failure and shame.

Let go the pain you are holding in your mind, your shoulders, your heart, all the way to your feet. Let go the pain of your ancestors to make way for those who are heading in our direction.

Ask for forgiveness.

Call upon the help of those who love you. These helpers take many forms: animal, element, bird, angel, saint, stone, or ancestor.

Call your spirit back. It may be caught in corners and creases of shame, judgment, and human abuse.

You must call in a way that your spirit will want to return.

Speak to it as you would to a beloved child.

Welcome your spirit back from its wandering. It may return in pieces, in tatters. Gather them together. They will be happy to be found after being lost for so long.

Your spirit will need to sleep awhile after it is bathed and given clean clothes.

Now you can have a party. Invite everyone you know who loves and supports you. Keep room for those who have no place else to go.

Make a giveaway, and remember, keep the speeches short.

Then, you must do this: help the next person find their way through the dark.