I just wanted you to know how strong you are, how brave, what a fabulous heroine you make to those of us following along. I have an extra reserve of disdain in my heart for your judge. The idea that someone like that is in that particular profession adds just a whole extra level of wrongness to it. This is a person who society has trusted to be fair and just and thoughtful. Anyhow, that has just been on my mind and I wanted to send you positive thoughts and energy and let you know I was thinking of you.
On the question of not wanting to send your children to your H because he is emotionally abusive... I understand that, completely. It must be such an awful feeling to see D11 trip out the door to be with him and then hearing back what he has to say when she returns. Acting like you lied because you didn't want to pick her up? That just makes me so angry, for how confusing that must be to her.
On the other hand, him spending less or no time with her is likely to also be damaging, especially given the things he's saying now. Here's my thought-- all you can do tell her verbally, physically, every way you can that SHE IS LOVED and SHE IS WORTHY OF LOVE over and over and over until it is tattooed on her bones.
I am no expert in child psychology but I wonder if spending time with her talking about all the things she loves and values about herself could help? Develop a practice of self-affirmation early so that she has some explicit tools at her disposal? My kids recently started this gratitude journal (I can send you the link if you're interested)-- it was created for college kids going off to school for the first time to help them get over homesickness, but is now being used by people of all ages-- and it starts with a daily affirmation and something you like about yourself. It has been so interesting to follow my kids along with this and talk about it.
Here's another random thought-- you know how we're now supposed to be teaching children to understand that just because something is on the internet it isn't necessarily true, and to think critically and fact check? (My FIL could use this skill too, LOL) I wonder if developing this critical thinking skill could eventually be transferable for her to parsing out the BS she may get from her father.
IDK if any of this would be helpful at all... I just had these thoughts bouncing around in my head and wanted to share them with you in case it made any sense. Mostly I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and supporting you. Your children have YOU as their mom and they are going to be just fine, no matter what.
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
