Gerda, I'm sorry that happened. As you know, it is much easier to blame someone else for your actions than to accept personal responsibility. I'm not sure how he will be able to rent something in your city. Even with resources, I had problems being a guarantor of my D's rental. One would think they would expect to see a job and income.
Did your D communicate how she felt about him saying that? I would assume that hearing your father say something so ugly about your mother would raise an ick feeling. Both of my kids have shared with me how upset they were to hear me run down and how they viewed it as his character issue rather than some deficiency on my part. But then again, mine are older. I would think an ick feeling nonetheless.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your son. I struggled greatly with both kids though these teen years, differently for each of them. I have wondered what part his choices played, but I also had to accept that teens just aren't that nice (except DnJ's of course). They are pretty narcissistic and really only concerned for themselves. The good news of course is that they grow out of it. My guess is that telling your son about cancer will not help a lot at this age. Likely it will just make him more concerned about his own security.
Instead I would remind him that he is loved, that you are there for him if he wants to talk about what is troubling him, and that things do get better in time. I have focused on sharing with my kids that together we have a mission to make sure they are ready for the lives they want to live as adults. That it is my job to make sure they have the necessary tools to succeed, and the opportunities to help them thrive. I remind them though that the big part, the motivation, the desire, is something they have to bring to the mix. If they want something badly enough, they can succeed at it. I also invite them to let me know if I am not doing something they need me to do or doing something they don't like. I remind them that all people are fallible and we are all open to constructive criticism.
