I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[sandi2]

She means to talk about how the are doing at school, the new things they do at home, how they behave, if anything happens to them.

Yeah, that's what married couples do.......have chit-chat about the kids that day. Sorry, but she wants what she wants from you and toss what she doesn't want. Maybe she feels somewhat insecure about her parenting skills, IDK. As I previously stated, I think it's just her way to keep her nose in your life....via the kids.

I had a big one yesterday and you cannot imagine the feeling when S7 walked out of the car holding the phone as OM was calling,

I saw one of my adult children go through that experience. It's awful.

She also said all I had done for 1.5 years was tell her she was a lousy mom and hence I had not changed a bit.

She talks out of both sides of her mouth, b/c she also told you not to change for her, b/c she wasn't going back to the M. Neither of you can communicate well with each other, due to the high emotional charge. She's still very angry and takes it out on you, by blaming you for all her unhappiness. It's not your job to make her happy! It never was!

Did I blow this up Sandi?

It depends on what you are working toward. Obviously, your conversation with her left no doubt that you are still waiting for her to decide to give the M another chance. So, if you were trying to not show your cards, you failed. Now what do you do going forward?

See Pack, you haven't let go, and until you drop that emotional rope you have tied to her.........you aren't going to be as happy as you could be if you let it go. Will it take a divorce for you to let go?

I dont think OM is going to fill the void in her, I also dont think she has done the work to look into herself and take the responsibility of her part. Her words were, I have accepted the father of my children will not be in my life and that is all your fault.

She says the same old cr@p every time. No, she's hasn't done any work. As long as she blames you for everything, she won't see the need for her own change. She may never have a change of heart. That's the realization you need to understand.

Can you explain a bit more on this keeping a tab? Why? is it not obvious to her that she is wining this battle to move on?

It's a strange thing about WW's. On one hand your W has contempt for you, while on the other hand she wants to keep a line attached. Women are curious and some are very nosey. If she doesn't hear through friends how you are doing or what you're doing......she'll go through the kids. She wants to know all about your personal life, and just you wait......when the kids get older, she'll be asking them all kind of questions about daddy. They are her link to find out if you are moving on, and if you are seeing another woman, or if you break down and cry in front of the kids. These are simply examples, and may not be any she would choose. If you read other threads, you'll often see the WW living with another man, yet wants to be friends with her LBH. That's what your W wants. But you can't be friends if she has such a hard heart against you.

Try to tell her this and she will say you are calling her a liar, you do not understand her pain and never listened to her. She told me she had cried and been unhappy for the 5 years of our marriage and I never talked to her, I am just amazed how deeply she believes all of this is true. maybe this helps her see OM without any remorse.

She doesn't miss many opportunities to repeat this same old narrative. Aren't you sick of it? Let me tell you, there's some people in this world that just won't turn lose of their resentment and their version of what really happened. There's NOTHING you can do to change her mind. I've tried to tell you that you can't become good enough to win her back, b/c that's not the problem. The problem is her mindset........her hard heart. She chooses to have this mindset. Do you understand what I'm saying? She has chosen to not accept any responsibility and by blaming you for 5 years of unhappiness, she feels justified to see Om and to continue to give you hell. Hatred does terrible things to people.

You should have seen the sadness in her eyes but the certainty in her words when she said "I am sure we cannot be happy together, I have tried everything" and then she said "now you see me as your W but all 5 years we were M you did not".

Was it sadness or something else? I'd guess it's more self pity, but I might be wrong. The things she said in this quote backs up what I said just above it. Look Pack, she is punishing you. She's paying you back for those 5 yrs. She's not going to turn lose of this attitude anytime soon.......if ever. It's her choice to hold this anger in her heart, and claim she did everything. How could she have done everything and you had no idea she was planning to leave the M? It's crazy talk.

I swear upon the many times I have fell that I was doing a good job at GAL and NC and focusing on the kids and my changes. Then she goes off to some guy, everybody sees them because Seville is tiny and I go back to feeling like a failure.

Do you want to know what you did wrong? You GAL, went NC (sort of), and made changes to win your W back. That's why you feel like a failure when she turns to OM. This entire time you've done all this hard work for one reason..........to get your W back. You missed all the times we tried to tell you that it won't work if your motivation is to win her back. You GAL, NC, focus on kids, etc.......... for Pack. It's for Pack's happiness and betterment.......b/c you can't be good enough to win someone who refuses to like you. You just can't. You become a slave to the endeavor of changing for them. How exhausting that must be for you!

Until you give it up and genuinely live your life the way you want........you will remain a slave to the past mistakes. As long as you seek validation from your W, you will feel a failure. Why are you giving her that power to determine those things in your life? Okay, so she feels you were a lousy H. That's her problem at this time. You can do nothing about the past. You certainly can't change her mind. It's up to her. So, leave it alone and move on with having a life that pleases you.

I believe you misunderstood some of the techniques of DBing from the start, and I haven't been able to get you to see differently. So how do you think you can get her to change how she thinks?

You can't work on this MR b/c it's dead and the two of you are living separate lives. All you can do is work on your life without her. Until you understand that point, I don't think there is hope for a R. You have to let her go.

DBing is not a guarantee of saving the M. Nothing is a guarantee, b/c there are two people who have free volition.


((hugs))