Trying to heal from WW

[sandi2]

I believe your feelings come from your NGS. I'd bet you could check every box describing NGS. To quote something I read about NGS: "There are a lot of factors and variables that play into how men become afflicted with the NGS. It all goes back to that argument of nature vs. nurture. A lot of our personality is formed in childhood and into adolescence".

"Even if a masculine adult male was present in their son's upbringing, he might of also been physically or emotionally abusive. The causes young boys to internalize the belief that want to be the extreme polar opposite of their father or stepfather, but this often leads to a flawed strategy, while it's good the nice guy will toss out the abusive traits and character flaws of the father/stepfather, they will also toss out the sensible and reasonable traits such as lead, being dominant, and being assertive".


I don't think that's completely accurate for all cases of NGS. Of course, I'm no expert, but I have a NG husband, a NG son, and one who is totally opposite of NG. I had a very masculine father. I know how these guys were raised! However, I can agree the above statement is true for some men. Growing up in a critical environment certainly has affect on the child.

Men afflicted with “Nice Guy Syndrome” are motivated and specifically dependent upon external validation and avoid conflicts or any type of confrontation like the plague. They are guided by three covert contracts that they’re not consciously aware of:

“If I’m a good guy, then everyone will love me, like me, and people I’m sexually attracted to will desire me.”
“If I take care of other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask for anything in return.”
“If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth & problem free life.”

Characteristics & Traits of Nice Guy Syndrome:

A man who if he has a significant other or a dominant female figure in his life, she will lead, dictate, and scrutinize his every action and run the show.
A man who will often go out of his way even if it’s incredibly inconvenient and just completely illogical for anybody but, whose own life seems to be completely out of order.
A man who will often agree with everyone and change his viewpoint to appease, make the other person happy, and avoid conflict.
A man who will let anyone walk completely over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat. (Think of Marty McFly’s dad from Back to the Future)
A man who is completely dependable and will never say no to anything but, will never assert himself or let people know they’re imposing on him.
Often seeks the validation and approval of others.
Tries to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
Always put other people’s wants and needs before their own. (There is nothing wrong with putting other people you care about before yourself but, nice guys take this to the extreme.)
Sacrifice their personal power, space, and boundaries and often revert to playing the victim role.
Often disconnected from other men and their own masculinity.
Often self-loathing.
Idealization of women and become passive aggressively manipulative and resentful towards women who have rejected them romantically or sexually.
Often fail to live up to their full potential.
Are often passive-aggressive.
Often stay in one-sided and often toxic and abusive relationships.
Are inherently deceptive and manipulative.
Frequently get friend zoned.
Often have ulterior motives.
Indecisive.
Emotionally needy.

There's a lot of NGS information on the Internet, and how you can constructively deal with it. Until you fix yourself, you can't fix your relationships. I urge you to really focus on how to change these traits (and they all may not apply for all people).

One more thing, I get it about building walls, but don't confuse walls and boundaries. How much study time have you given on the subject of setting effective boundaries?

((hugs))