I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi Pack, sorry to hear about your setback. I think this may be what we call a "trigger". Something is said or done to bring back those old feelings at the beginning of the sitch. As I recall, this has happened once before and you asked her about her intentions.

HI Sandi! thanks for coming over! ((hugs)) I had a big one yesterday and you cannot imagine the feeling when S7 walked out of the car holding the phone as OM was calling, I wanted to just get over her on a instant but it does not work like that. S7 is too young to understand anything. When we got home I showed him the lego guitar as I finally managed to make the software work and he was very happy. I saved the day for him and S2 but what a mess on my side.

I don't fully understand just what your W wants to discuss about the kids. Unless there is something about their schedule, health, school, etc., why is it necessary? At any rate, I still feel that email is the way to handle it. At least, until you are able to emotionally let go of reconciling with her.

She means to talk about how the are doing at school, the new things they do at home, how they behave, if anything happens to them. She told me that she does not do that because she knows I think about R and hence I see the conversation as a way to get to her and I was not able to put the kids first. I had to stop her there to tell her my children were priority 1 in my life and that did not involve sharing anything with her. She also said all I had done for 1.5 years was tell her she was a lousy mom and hence I had not changed a bit. I told her sometimes I do communicate in an aggressive way, I apologized and told her I never thought anything less than she was a great mother.

Did I blow this up Sandi? I dont think OM is going to fill the void in her, I also dont think she has done the work to look into herself and take the responsibility of her part. Her words were, I have accepted the father of my children will not be in my life and that is all your fault. But again I am not the person to show her this.

Paco, don't listen to her. She always criticizes you deeply. She doesn't want to have talks about the children.....for their sakes. She wants to have the talks for her sake. Remember, since the beginning, she was the one who pushed to have regular discussions. I think she uses the kids as an excuse to keep a line attached to you, not b/c she wants to be in a MR with you, but to keep tabs on your life. It's difficult for me to explain, but I see it in WW all the time.

I also get this feeling, like as if talking to me about the kids reinforces in her head that she is a great mom and that she is doing the best to keep our children happy. How is she ever going to realize her loss if the moment she wants to talk about the kids I run there and sit with open ears? Can you explain a bit more on this keeping a tab? Why? is it not obvious to her that she is wining this battle to move on? I dont think I will ever be able to be her friend, I dont want that, I am sorry if this affects my children negatively, someday they will understand. Just today, S7 asked me why I worked from home and not in an office anymore. I told him to be closer to them, and gave him a hug.

B/c you let her words affect you. She has a sharp tongue and can shred your heart. She has taken no share of the responsibility of the marriage breakdown. It's seldom all one-sided.

Try to tell her this and she will say you are calling her a liar, you do not understand her pain and never listened to her. She told me she had cried and been unhappy for the 5 years of our marriage and I never talked to her, I am just amazed how deeply she believes all of this is true. maybe this helps her see OM without any remorse. Thanks for the comment Sandi, sometimes I need someone to remind me this.

You don't accept she is through with you and doesn't want to be in a marriage with you.

For your own sake, I hope you will let it go. I think you've done an amazing job in all areas of improving your life. Just imagine how much better you would feel if your were free from the shackles holding you to a lost dream.

And in such a short time, maybe I would be better off by thinking I did not lose anything. You should have seen the sadness in her eyes but the certainty in her words when she said "I am sure we cannot be happy together, I have tried everything" and then she said "now you see me as your W but all 5 years we were M you did not". Sometimes I think she says these things only to hurt me, why else? Can she not see I am a shade of the man I was? I swear upon the many times I have fell that I was doing a good job at GAL and NC and focusing on the kids and my changes. Then she goes off to some guy, everybody sees them because Seville is tiny and I go back to feeling like a failure. What am I doing with my life? I have worth as a man, father and husband and someone will see it. Thanks for your support!

((hugs))
Pack