Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[Rita]

DnJ and CanB, thank you so much for these words. CanB, that's not a bad idea about the defense training. I have been wanting to take dance for a long time, took dance from age 5 til I a little ways into marriage -- honestly another one of those things I gave up for H -- not consciously but just let the things I loved go.... Anyway, that could be good to feel like a bad a$$.

I did go ice skating on my bumpy pond at my cabin, was there for a night with S15 to go skiing. He has been horrible lately, almost like living with H. A friend told me I should finally tell him about my cancer (from 2014-15, I never told my kids about that or mastectomy) so he can understand that he needs to step up and not leave the world on my shoulders so much, and I decided to do that this weekend while she was with H. But so far it totally backfired. He has retreated more and seems ever more like he hates life with me and D11. Granted, I only told him this morning (!) but so far the impact was pretty dark. He looks at me with this sort of disgust which is no doubt a defense but hard to take. I am so scared he will become like H even or especially because he is so determined to be nothing like him. But he never saw a man treat me well, not even my brother or dad who are rarely around and not all that nice. He has no model for this at all.

DnJ, you always remind me about how each of us has a journey that is our own, and that includes S14 and D11, I know. It's hard to find the line, where to try to guide and where to let go.

I often wonder where we all draw the line. It is common here for everyone to talk about trying to get the MLCer to step up and be a parent or how it's better for kids to make peace with the MLCer and have that parent in their lives, etc. But I think if I had written here that H regularly beat me, no one would say that I should ensure that D11 stays with him and figures things out as part of her own journey. I think I feel that H is that dangerous. Not physically. But mentally and emotionally. So while everything you say is right and true and also quite helpful to think about, I always have this underlying feeling about that, the normalizing of abuse because it wasn't physical. Why wouldn't he do many of the same things to her that he did to me?

Here are two doozies from this weekend -- first, he is moving back to my city, and not even across the river to the part of the city he lived in before, but to the other side of town from me, literally nearby where I used to hang out. He took D11 apartment hunting DURING A PANDEMIC. And today as usual, little things start coming out once she is back, and one was that he had told her that he "really loves Mama, but she is a real a$$hole." Yes, that's right, he not only told an 11-year old child her mother was an a$$hole but that he loved me in the same breath, creepy and awful and confusing to the poor girl all at once. I did ask her what the context was, since I do have many flaws but it was hard to think of anything I do that could earn that title, and apparently it was because I am trying to hold on to the house until she goes to college.

The other doozy was that I threw my back out last night -- well, my back has been bad and getting worse but I was at the point of not being able to get up from lying down without holding on to various things and tears springing to my eyes. today I had to deal with getting a rental car back to a nearby city (e.g., drive then get back by train, long walk), and at 11:15, I get a note from her that she'll be coming home so I can take her to Sunday School (which starts at 12). I expected her to be with H til 5 or 6 as usual and was already hobbling my way to the car. So I had to tell her that I could barely walk and was already taking the car back so there was no way I could walk to get her, that he should take her, then we had to go back and forth of me explaining to her and trying to get him to make arrangements with me directly and not pass the message through her, she felt bad, etc. So tonight she mentions that he said I should bring a doctor's note about my back so he can see it, that he doesn't believe anything was wrong with my back and I was just trying to get out of picking her up.

I am writing all these things here just to remind you all that NOTHING you say or do or ARE can be seen clearly by the MLCer. I take care of my son 365 days per year and my daughter 300 days per year all by myself with literally no help from him, even have to keep him from taking their home, and he is always late, always changing plans, never helpful, etc., but I never badmouth him, just keep trying to provide for the kids and make my way through life, and he still tells our D what an a$$hole I am and tells her I lie about having a hurt back to get out of picking her up at Sunday School!!! Your MLCer may be a little better, but the fact is the same -- they can't see you clearly and you have to train yourself to put out of your mind the thought that anything you say can have a real impact until they come out of it.