I know earlier you said you’d received the books and were reading them— what else did you get besides DB? If you haven’t read her affair book Healing from Infidelity, I definitely recommend you read that one as well. There is a chapter specifically aimed at how to handle a spouse who is in an active affair and still living in the home. (Spoiler— she says people will tell you he’s cake eating and you’re a doormat and that you shouldn’t listen to them. You’re simply fighting for your marriage in the smartest way possible.)
It seems on this board (newcomers in particular— MLC much less so) the majority of the posters recommend the Last Resort Technique, or even more frequently the Last Last Resort Technique (I think that is what it is called— can’t remember exactly! ) I think that is because it is felt that by time most posters get here, their sitches are extreme enough that the LRT is really the only appropriate route; that most of DBing is for people in much less dire situations.
However, I really think it has more to do with the attitude and ability of the LBS, that for most people, IHS is incredibly difficult, and it is very hard to detach and GAL while living with a spouse actively carrying on an affair. I do think that the long-distance nature of your H’s affair makes it easier to handle less emotionally than if she lived in your town. Every sitch is different and every poster is different in what they can handle.
I think it is important to spend time not just on thinking about how to interact (or not) with your H, but really dig into your own values and try to understand where your own boundaries lie. These will not be the same as those of other posters. Everyone needs to be true to their own value system, what matters most to them, what they are willing to tolerate, what they aren’t. That is OKAY. And know that every single poster here is posting out of goodwill and a sincere desire to support other LBSs through a very difficult time. I do believe that some folks have a difficult time separating their sitches and experiences from others; also some folks tend to assume everyone has (or should have) the same boundaries as they do. That’s okay, from my perspective. The LBS receiving advice just needs to be able to also understand where it is coming from, and apply it accordingly.
The other thing to think about, in addition to really understanding your own values and boundaries, is your H and whether or not this is a M worth saving, in the end. You do read about a lot of WSs on this board who seem to be full-on narcissists and are perhaps pathological. While I think that anyone who has an A obviously has some narcissistic tendencies and major entitlement issues, some people are probably worth standing for and some, especially the hard-core narcissists or emotional abusers, are probably not partner material and you’re better off without them. So once you feel you have a good understanding of where you are and what you are willing to accept, also think about whether or not you even want an M2.0 with this person, should it get there.
From what I have read of your situation and your attitude, I think you’re a good candidate to follow the IHS path, if that is what you choose. (Another point I want to make — you can’t force any of this. Everyone finds their own path towards acceptance/detachment differently. Every person I’ve followed here who has found that place has said they got to it honestly and even though they wish they had gotten there sooner, they know they couldn’t have done it without walking the path they walked. So don’t pressure yourself into doing something that you’re not ready for.)
I recommend looking up Wayfarer’s threads and reading through them. She was in a very similar situation to you, though her H’s AP was local. She was also a person from his past and WF was particularly motivated to stand because of her teenage step-daughter, whose bio mom is a wreck. She’s now six months or so into piecing and her H never left the house. She’s an absolute master DBer, IMO.
Finally, you’d asked for specific advice on how to behave with your H. I agree with Ginger— stop doing the wifely things. I stopped doing all those things too. We ate together but I didn’t go out of my way to do anything especially nice for him. It was really freeing. I stopped caring about his little likes or dislikes and just cooked what I wanted, planned things I wanted to do. I focused on my kids and myself. I was nice to him but I didn’t initiate interactions— if he texted me, I’d text him back, but I never initiated unless it was a kid thing. I noticed that he responded very positively to my own positivity, so if he did or said something nice, I’d be nice back, but again I worked hard not to be the first to engage. I stopped hanging out in same room as him after the kids went to bed and took a bath or read on my own, or went out with friends.
Sometimes it was super hard, especially when he was traveling and I knew he was in AP’s city, but I did my best to just LET GO of any illusion of control I might have had. I could control me, and that is it. This piece was huge for me and continues to be— I think it is something I will probably need to continue to work on for the rest of my life. The one thing I regret now is having so many R talks with him. I heard a lot of things I wish now that I could unhear.
Anyway— the more work you do on yourself, the better, regardless of where your H lives or not. You can’t control him or what he thinks. I personally think doing those nice little things for him is trying to get him to see you in a certain way— an attempt to subtly control his feelings— and it is futile. I’d take a good hard look at everything you’re doing and be sure it is all focused on YOU, and nothing is focused on trying to control him.
Best, May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
) I think that is because it is felt that by time most posters get here, their sitches are extreme enough that the LRT is really the only appropriate route; that most of DBing is for people in much less dire situations. 
