Yep I get it finally 100%. Being nice, being a push over is stupid. It got me nowhere but pain. And she is still running away. Last night she told me “I want to get a new car” she can’t afford it. She is running herself out there. Brags about how many men want her. Told me to give her time. I finally grabbed my balls and said no. That’s BS. You can’t go play and then just run back to daddy when your done. I know what I want in my life. I realized my attachment comes a lot from the war. When I was younger I fought really hard to survive 3 years in Iraq and my buddies and I would talk about our lives if we ever made it. Mine was a pretty woman and family and a good job. I had all that and got comfortable and f’d it up here and there. But I was important to me because it was what kept me going, what made me want to live and made me have drive to get it when times were bad. I lost a lot of friends. And I realized I am so attached to my idea of family because I always wanted to make thier loss worth it. To do it right to never give up and take whatever comes at me. That and some self-esteem issues I shouldn’t have. I’ve looked inward a lot. After my w told me last night she wants to play the field and figure it out later. She said I’m attractive I’m a good man and she knows I love her and the kids but I’m boring. It just dawned on me. I’m allowing all this. I always have. That’s where I failed. I thought love would conquer all but no. Basic human respect is the building block of anything. Like sandi and others have said. I told her thanks for the heart to heart and it helped me really see something I needed to see. She went out with some dude hiking today. She called me twice I did not answer. I got my kids I got my job and I got my self respect. I’m tired of chasing her into my life I told her that. As for my kids I watch over them like a hawk. And yes I keep track of everything. I’m done I’m happy with being done. I’m not happy as in life is great right now, I’m happy I am done being a door mat to her BS. And that’s enough right now. I’m going absolutely NC, dark, whatever. I am done saving my marriage. It’s over I see that. She will thrown more games at me and I’ll just be a rock that don’t move. I’m sick of my feelings being toyed with. I deserve better. I’ll update in a week or so. But I have never just grabbed my balls and stuck to it. The time is now. Catch you all later.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
