If I kick him out, it makes it harder on my step-son who lives with us half time and it’s harder to DB or have him see the changes in me if he’s not around.
The changes are for you, if you’re doing them for him they won’t stick nor will he believe them anyway.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I come to the board to share what I really wish I would hve done differently and why , and what I feel I have done right and why. And also what like is like now the muck is over.
I’m sorry you find yourself here and I know where you are right now, hearing anything that sounds like “not trying to save my family” won’t be heard or understood” DB is awfully counterintuitive. And really, the only way to have a chance at saving your family, is to save yourself, and then what’s meant to happen will. Either the WAS decides to change for the better themselves, or they don’t. Or you end up reconciling with the same old person who did you dirty in the first place, and will likely do you dirty again .
Your heart is in the right place like many of who came here who thought doing anything to save our families like you at with a marriage saving program that seems to tell you if you don’t treat your Cheating spouse better than their affair partner you will lose him. I tried it, I still lost him. And some of my self respect along the way even if I told myself it was “for the family”
I don’t tell anyone to move out anymore. Because if you are dead set staying on the same roof , then you are. And I didn’t tell you to kick him out. I told you that might want to stop treating him like a husband when he is having an active affair. He can do his own laundry and feed himself while he is engaging in an extra marital affair. He is getting the best of both worlds right now. Why would he even consider stopping the affair if he could have his cake and eat it to? He has zero motivation for that.
But I know you will do what you will do. And I am very sorry you find yourself here and I wish you well.
Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about. I appreciate it.
If I’m not supposed to do nice things for him but we are living under the same roof, could you better describe to me how I should act towards him in your opinion? Are you saying I should not engage unless he speaks to me first, act distant and detached but friendly, tell him he cannot eat any of the food prepared in the house, etc?
If he’s not living with me, then it’s more cut and dry. But in living under the same roof I’m not as clear on what you all feel is the right behavior towards H?
As for my step son, I did not adopt and I do not have any legal requirements, but I am still their parent by choice.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
If I kick him out, it makes it harder on my step-son who lives with us half time and it’s harder to DB or have him see the changes in me if he’s not around.
The changes are for you, if you’re doing them for him they won’t stick nor will he believe them anyway.
Yes, I understand. I am doing them for me as I want to be the best me as well as take what I’ve learned into my future with or without him. I guess I do see that I am also wanting him to see the changes, which shouldn’t matter huh?
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
They 'shouldn't' matter, but you might still want them to, and that's ok. Feelings follow actions. Just keep focusing on your goals - physical, mental, spiritual and you will want it to matter less and less.
I think it's important to be honest to ourselves what our true motives, feelings, thoughts are. We can't adjust our sails if we don't acknowledge where they are.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Elbereth, you're self-aware to acknowledge you want them to see your changes. Good stuff. Here's why I think it's a good idea to primarily choose goals that are for you, where him seeing them doesn't matter. First, if the motivation to "win them back" is driving you, what happens when that's gone--i.e., you reconcile and get comfortable or your hope wanes? Second, if this behavior is "for them" you are likely to slowly build resentment over how much you do "for them". Third, if you ultimately fail to reconcile, a change "for you" prepares you to move forward whereas a change "for them" sets you back to square one.
I know earlier you said you’d received the books and were reading them— what else did you get besides DB? If you haven’t read her affair book Healing from Infidelity, I definitely recommend you read that one as well. There is a chapter specifically aimed at how to handle a spouse who is in an active affair and still living in the home. (Spoiler— she says people will tell you he’s cake eating and you’re a doormat and that you shouldn’t listen to them. You’re simply fighting for your marriage in the smartest way possible.)
It seems on this board (newcomers in particular— MLC much less so) the majority of the posters recommend the Last Resort Technique, or even more frequently the Last Last Resort Technique (I think that is what it is called— can’t remember exactly! ) I think that is because it is felt that by time most posters get here, their sitches are extreme enough that the LRT is really the only appropriate route; that most of DBing is for people in much less dire situations.
However, I really think it has more to do with the attitude and ability of the LBS, that for most people, IHS is incredibly difficult, and it is very hard to detach and GAL while living with a spouse actively carrying on an affair. I do think that the long-distance nature of your H’s affair makes it easier to handle less emotionally than if she lived in your town. Every sitch is different and every poster is different in what they can handle.
I think it is important to spend time not just on thinking about how to interact (or not) with your H, but really dig into your own values and try to understand where your own boundaries lie. These will not be the same as those of other posters. Everyone needs to be true to their own value system, what matters most to them, what they are willing to tolerate, what they aren’t. That is OKAY. And know that every single poster here is posting out of goodwill and a sincere desire to support other LBSs through a very difficult time. I do believe that some folks have a difficult time separating their sitches and experiences from others; also some folks tend to assume everyone has (or should have) the same boundaries as they do. That’s okay, from my perspective. The LBS receiving advice just needs to be able to also understand where it is coming from, and apply it accordingly.
The other thing to think about, in addition to really understanding your own values and boundaries, is your H and whether or not this is a M worth saving, in the end. You do read about a lot of WSs on this board who seem to be full-on narcissists and are perhaps pathological. While I think that anyone who has an A obviously has some narcissistic tendencies and major entitlement issues, some people are probably worth standing for and some, especially the hard-core narcissists or emotional abusers, are probably not partner material and you’re better off without them. So once you feel you have a good understanding of where you are and what you are willing to accept, also think about whether or not you even want an M2.0 with this person, should it get there.
From what I have read of your situation and your attitude, I think you’re a good candidate to follow the IHS path, if that is what you choose. (Another point I want to make — you can’t force any of this. Everyone finds their own path towards acceptance/detachment differently. Every person I’ve followed here who has found that place has said they got to it honestly and even though they wish they had gotten there sooner, they know they couldn’t have done it without walking the path they walked. So don’t pressure yourself into doing something that you’re not ready for.)
I recommend looking up Wayfarer’s threads and reading through them. She was in a very similar situation to you, though her H’s AP was local. She was also a person from his past and WF was particularly motivated to stand because of her teenage step-daughter, whose bio mom is a wreck. She’s now six months or so into piecing and her H never left the house. She’s an absolute master DBer, IMO.
Finally, you’d asked for specific advice on how to behave with your H. I agree with Ginger— stop doing the wifely things. I stopped doing all those things too. We ate together but I didn’t go out of my way to do anything especially nice for him. It was really freeing. I stopped caring about his little likes or dislikes and just cooked what I wanted, planned things I wanted to do. I focused on my kids and myself. I was nice to him but I didn’t initiate interactions— if he texted me, I’d text him back, but I never initiated unless it was a kid thing. I noticed that he responded very positively to my own positivity, so if he did or said something nice, I’d be nice back, but again I worked hard not to be the first to engage. I stopped hanging out in same room as him after the kids went to bed and took a bath or read on my own, or went out with friends.
Sometimes it was super hard, especially when he was traveling and I knew he was in AP’s city, but I did my best to just LET GO of any illusion of control I might have had. I could control me, and that is it. This piece was huge for me and continues to be— I think it is something I will probably need to continue to work on for the rest of my life. The one thing I regret now is having so many R talks with him. I heard a lot of things I wish now that I could unhear.
Anyway— the more work you do on yourself, the better, regardless of where your H lives or not. You can’t control him or what he thinks. I personally think doing those nice little things for him is trying to get him to see you in a certain way— an attempt to subtly control his feelings— and it is futile. I’d take a good hard look at everything you’re doing and be sure it is all focused on YOU, and nothing is focused on trying to control him.
Best, May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
OMG May, I am binge-reading (laughing, crying, cringing, power-fisting, crying, laughing, cheering, etc) ALL through Wayfarer's sitch. Thank you for suggesting that one. I see myself in her so much and in her situation...and I'm still reading my way through it...
I'll respond more later, but didn't want you to think I went dark.
PS. I'm buying that seduction book. lol
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
OMG May, I am binge-reading (laughing, crying, cringing, power-fisting, crying, laughing, cheering, etc) ALL through Wayfarer's sitch. Thank you for suggesting that one. I see myself in her so much and in her situation...and I'm still reading my way through it...
LOL she is the best. Don't judge me when you get to the parts of me hiding out on her thread because I didn't want to post on my own.
Another couple of people who had/have somewhat similar situations-- Pommy99, also had a H with a long-distance EA. He left and then returned. She dropped off the board this summer while working through reconciliation (or not, it wasn't super clear what she wanted to do when she stopped posting) but I'm sure you will be able to relate. Sage4 (over on MLC)'s H had a long-distance EA too. They're separated now and talking D. Sage is AMAZING too. There are so many fabulous women on this board, honestly! You are in good company
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
