Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Hi Ginger1 and John2017,

Ginger1, I’m sorry that in your sitch it didn’t help, and I’m so sorry you went through that. I am in awe of his cruelty towards you.

I agree that “doing nice things” will NOT be what brings him back. I am DBing, while still detaching, and not being emotional towards him (which is also a 180). It’s those actions that I hope influence change in our dynamic. It doesn’t matter if I make him bread or do his laundry once in a while. Doing those things throughout our R sure didn’t stop him from having an EA. I don’t think those things really matter that much. Right now the OW lives in another state and I know they’ve met once at least but she isn’t here. I am. If I kick him out, it makes it harder on my step-son who lives with us half time and it’s harder to DB or have him see the changes in me if he’s not around. Also, there are impacts professionally for both of us, so another reason to remain as friendly as possible at this stage. So right now, he’s here and I’m doing the work on myself, GAL, doing 180s, detaching, giving him space as needed, etc. When and if the OW and H move in together, then I will ask him to leave. For all I know, their relationship could fall apart before they even get a chance to move in together. Right now I’m letting it run it’s course, while I’m doing what I’m doing.

My stance might change any day but this is where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t just accept him back if he ‘takes me as option 2’. What he’s done to our family, friends, and myself is awful. I’ll need to see some sincere hard work and changes to consider taking him back. At the very least, a chance at reconciliation is for a chance for closure as well if I do not want him back. But I am not at the point right now to just throw in the towel or I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. Plus, we are in a pandemic. It’s safer to have him here due to that as well, as we already have two households involved (actually three as he stays with a guy friend sometimes too).

Anyway, I hope that helps to explain my sitch a bit better. Thank you so much for your opinions and I’m sorry your sitch’s didn’t end the way you had hoped. I am fully aware that mine may not either and I’ve accepted that as well.