Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

My take on this is that I'd probably cut most of this behavior out. It may not be major pressure, but you never really know how it is taken in the moment. I feel confident that he KNOWS the things you hope these actions to be communicating. You don't really need to keep telling him in different ways that you know him well, the opportunity for reconciliation exists, etc. You might put yourself in his shoes a bit and try to figure out how getting a favorite food item makes you feel, if you were him? I would imagine it might make him feel more guilty than "wow, my wife knows me so well." A lot of times these WSs (or MLCers) are terrible at handling emotions generally, so those feelings of guilt get shoved down and converted into making you out to be the bad guy. Cognitive dissonance is a big player here. In order to convince themselves that they're doing the right thing, they need to believe that a R with you will never work out.

Also, if you're the one always reaching out, then you never can see if he's making any effort on his own or not. I'd recommend not being the one to initiate any conversation but having a PMA when he does and you respond. You want to leave him wanting more, not annoyed at you. Sometimes that means not talking at all, if when you do reach out it makes him feel annoyed or guilty. If that is the case, he needs that time and space from you to start to recognize that you aren't the source of all his problems.

I don’t disagree with you and have been struggling with this area bit. So far my H has reacted well, thanks me, initiates communication and has been very easy to be around. We are most times in the same house, but he also stays at a friends house too. I give him space, make no demands, set boundaries where I’ve needed them. Yea, it is a bit of cake eating at the moment and I see that. But after a few very stressful years, I also need the calm and no drama so I can focus on my needs and my health. So it’s been working out at this time. The marriage program I’m doing advises doing gifts and talk charges. It says the PA will end and if you are not ‘there’ they just move on to another OW. So right now I’m trying to show I’m here, but also have said I won’t have a R with him until OW is out of picture. BD was just I months ago, so it’s still a bit new on where things might end up in regards to H wanting D. I do find that the less I do, the more he reaches out, so I realize there is pursuer/distancing behavior happening. I’ve been careful to allow distance when he initiates it. Hopefully I’m finding a good balance in my detachment level with the showing I’m still here and hoping to have opportunity to explore reconciliation?

I'd also read up some on the pursuer/distancer dynamic. I see some similarities in our sitches (and recognize a fellow analyzer when I see one

I think Steve's advice about not helping nor hindering the D is good, but also totally agree you need to be sure you're protected. Sounds like you are set with your L but just remember that putting the D paperwork in place, if that is needed to ensure he doesn't drain all your accounts, won't stop a reconciliation if that comes down the road.

Yep, I’m an analytical type! We can spot each other anywhere huh? Yes, spoke to L and of course he advises I initiate D but for now I’m working on protecting what I can and we’ve discussed how we can get down and dirty with discovery so that I can ensure I am able to get as much as I can of what is rightfully mine (and offset his MLC/OW spending/debts). So I know I’m taking a risk, but at this moment this is where my heart says to be.

I’ve spoken to his family and close friends and everyone thinks he’s crazy and no one understands. He also hasn’t made me out to be the bad person in this. In fact he called me “rock solid”. So I do feel that the way the past R with OW ended is part of what he’s trying to work out. He suffers from depression and I’ve been his rock, and he knows it, and so I think it’s been hard for him to push blame on me, at least outwardly to friends and family.

I have come to realize that at this moment, for my principals, for the kids, for the family, I need to try to do what I can to save the MR if possible. But I also see that my H has many flaws, that I feel he is damaged and he may never be the kind of man I need. I’ve accepted that as well and also feel that the moment I’m done, I’ll know it and can move forward on my own. As a step parent I committed to this R for H AND kids. I feel I’m the only sane parent they have and want to show them that integrity, principles, and morals matter, and that you just don’t drop people when the going gets tough like both this bio parents have.

Do you think I’m crazy? Ha! Sometimes I do as well!