Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Yeah, I know. I won’t wait too long. Max in my head is a year, but it also may be time by summer. Taking it day by day. And the fact that H started a EA and then moved to PA is heartbreaking to me. Just because I’m standing doesn’t mean it’s ok.

[may22]

Hi Elbereth,

I know this is an absolutely awful situation. However, you seem really strong, and you're handling this whole thing with dignity and thoughtfulness. To me, you seem fairly detached already and able to analyze the situation without letting your emotions get in the way. That is fantastic.

I had a few thoughts for you to take or leave:

When I say 'connect with him', I'm doing so in ways that I don't feel are pressuring. For example, when he stayed at a friends house, I made him a favorite food item, or I send him an article I think he will enjoy...things that show I know him well, but not very intimate or love things. Hopefully that is a good thing? Or do you think I'm pressuring him even when he's not acting like I am?

My take on this is that I'd probably cut most of this behavior out. It may not be major pressure, but you never really know how it is taken in the moment. I feel confident that he KNOWS the things you hope these actions to be communicating. You don't really need to keep telling him in different ways that you know him well, the opportunity for reconciliation exists, etc. You might put yourself in his shoes a bit and try to figure out how getting a favorite food item makes you feel, if you were him? I would imagine it might make him feel more guilty than "wow, my wife knows me so well." A lot of times these WSs (or MLCers) are terrible at handling emotions generally, so those feelings of guilt get shoved down and converted into making you out to be the bad guy. Cognitive dissonance is a big player here. In order to convince themselves that they're doing the right thing, they need to believe that a R with you will never work out.

Also, if you're the one always reaching out, then you never can see if he's making any effort on his own or not. I'd recommend not being the one to initiate any conversation but having a PMA when he does and you respond. You want to leave him wanting more, not annoyed at you. Sometimes that means not talking at all, if when you do reach out it makes him feel annoyed or guilty. If that is the case, he needs that time and space from you to start to recognize that you aren't the source of all his problems.

I'd also read up some on the pursuer/distancer dynamic. I see some similarities in our sitches (and recognize a fellow analyzer when I see one ) and once I cued into this, it was really, really interesting to observe.

I think Steve's advice about not helping nor hindering the D is good, but also totally agree you need to be sure you're protected. Sounds like you are set with your L but just remember that putting the D paperwork in place, if that is needed to ensure he doesn't drain all your accounts, won't stop a reconciliation if that comes down the road.

Finally, it sounds like you're already doing this, but you know yourself the best and your H the best. You need to do this in a way that feels right to you. As LH rightly notes, everyone has their own boundaries. You seem to know yourself really well and you're doing wonderfully with boundaries, GALing, and detachment. Keep it up and don't feel like you need to do any specific set of things (like automatically divorce him if you find proof it is a PA) because other people have that boundary in their own lives and relationships.

Hang in there. You've got this.

[Elbereth]

My take on this is that I'd probably cut most of this behavior out. It may not be major pressure, but you never really know how it is taken in the moment. I feel confident that he KNOWS the things you hope these actions to be communicating. You don't really need to keep telling him in different ways that you know him well, the opportunity for reconciliation exists, etc. You might put yourself in his shoes a bit and try to figure out how getting a favorite food item makes you feel, if you were him? I would imagine it might make him feel more guilty than "wow, my wife knows me so well." A lot of times these WSs (or MLCers) are terrible at handling emotions generally, so those feelings of guilt get shoved down and converted into making you out to be the bad guy. Cognitive dissonance is a big player here. In order to convince themselves that they're doing the right thing, they need to believe that a R with you will never work out.

Also, if you're the one always reaching out, then you never can see if he's making any effort on his own or not. I'd recommend not being the one to initiate any conversation but having a PMA when he does and you respond. You want to leave him wanting more, not annoyed at you. Sometimes that means not talking at all, if when you do reach out it makes him feel annoyed or guilty. If that is the case, he needs that time and space from you to start to recognize that you aren't the source of all his problems.

I don’t disagree with you and have been struggling with this area bit. So far my H has reacted well, thanks me, initiates communication and has been very easy to be around. We are most times in the same house, but he also stays at a friends house too. I give him space, make no demands, set boundaries where I’ve needed them. Yea, it is a bit of cake eating at the moment and I see that. But after a few very stressful years, I also need the calm and no drama so I can focus on my needs and my health. So it’s been working out at this time. The marriage program I’m doing advises doing gifts and talk charges. It says the PA will end and if you are not ‘there’ they just move on to another OW. So right now I’m trying to show I’m here, but also have said I won’t have a R with him until OW is out of picture. BD was just I months ago, so it’s still a bit new on where things might end up in regards to H wanting D. I do find that the less I do, the more he reaches out, so I realize there is pursuer/distancing behavior happening. I’ve been careful to allow distance when he initiates it. Hopefully I’m finding a good balance in my detachment level with the showing I’m still here and hoping to have opportunity to explore reconciliation?

I'd also read up some on the pursuer/distancer dynamic. I see some similarities in our sitches (and recognize a fellow analyzer when I see one

I think Steve's advice about not helping nor hindering the D is good, but also totally agree you need to be sure you're protected. Sounds like you are set with your L but just remember that putting the D paperwork in place, if that is needed to ensure he doesn't drain all your accounts, won't stop a reconciliation if that comes down the road.

Yep, I’m an analytical type! We can spot each other anywhere huh? Yes, spoke to L and of course he advises I initiate D but for now I’m working on protecting what I can and we’ve discussed how we can get down and dirty with discovery so that I can ensure I am able to get as much as I can of what is rightfully mine (and offset his MLC/OW spending/debts). So I know I’m taking a risk, but at this moment this is where my heart says to be.

I’ve spoken to his family and close friends and everyone thinks he’s crazy and no one understands. He also hasn’t made me out to be the bad person in this. In fact he called me “rock solid”. So I do feel that the way the past R with OW ended is part of what he’s trying to work out. He suffers from depression and I’ve been his rock, and he knows it, and so I think it’s been hard for him to push blame on me, at least outwardly to friends and family.

I have come to realize that at this moment, for my principals, for the kids, for the family, I need to try to do what I can to save the MR if possible. But I also see that my H has many flaws, that I feel he is damaged and he may never be the kind of man I need. I’ve accepted that as well and also feel that the moment I’m done, I’ll know it and can move forward on my own. As a step parent I committed to this R for H AND kids. I feel I’m the only sane parent they have and want to show them that integrity, principles, and morals matter, and that you just don’t drop people when the going gets tough like both this bio parents have.

Do you think I’m crazy? Ha! Sometimes I do as well!

[Traveler]

The marriage program I’m doing advises doing gifts and talk charges. It says the PA will end and if you are not ‘there’ they just move on to another OW.

I do find that the less I do, the more he reaches out, so I realize there is pursuer/distancing behavior happening. I’ve been careful to allow distance when he initiates it.

So right now I’m trying to show I’m here, but also have said I won’t have a R with him until OW is out of picture.

Yes, often people tell themselves the OM/OW1 "stole" their partner, and so are shocked when they're quickly replaced with OM/OW2. Where the LBS is when the gap occurs is critical. It does sounds like you have some distancer/pursuer dynamics at play. Keen observations and a good boundary. Commendable.

In fact he called me “rock solid”. He suffers from depression and I’ve been his rock, and he knows it, and so I think it’s been hard for him to push blame on me, at least outwardly to friends and family.

You sound like a great partner.

I feel he is damaged and he may never be the kind of man I need. I’m the only sane parent they have and want to show them that integrity, principles, and morals matter, Do you think I’m crazy?

You sound like a great parent. You do not sound crazy at all.

No advice just now. Rock on!

[may22]

I have come to realize that at this moment, for my principals, for the kids, for the family, I need to try to do what I can to save the MR if possible. But I also see that my H has many flaws, that I feel he is damaged and he may never be the kind of man I need. I’ve accepted that as well and also feel that the moment I’m done, I’ll know it and can move forward on my own. As a step parent I committed to this R for H AND kids. I feel I’m the only sane parent they have and want to show them that integrity, principles, and morals matter, and that you just don’t drop people when the going gets tough like both this bio parents have.

Do you think I’m crazy? Ha! Sometimes I do as well!

Nope, not at all! I agree 100% with everything you've said above. I feel with all my heart that when we had children we committed to being a family for them, even more so than when we were married. I'm with you completely on this.

You may want to check out the MLC board too. Hang in there!

[Ginger1]

Since my name was brought up, I thought maybe I would chime in. My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with our first and only child. After going through IVF and a high risk pregnancy. He left me for her 6 months later. They will be married for 10 years on April fools day.

I am one of those situations where the affair
Never ended. My daughter is 13 now.

And yea, I tried to “connect”
By cooking his favorite meals and doing nice things for him.
All while he was deeply involved with this woman. Hoping I could nice him back to our family. Guess what. It didn’t work. Instead I lost most of my dignity doing nice things for a guy who was openly and actively cheating on me. And I knew he was with this woman! OMG, if I could do anything different it would be that. I still cringe at the thought

You cannot nice him back. He may accept your nice gestures while laughing behind your back with OW, but you won’t get him back. So save yourself some face and stop . Maybe some nice acts when there isn’t an active affair, but when he had 2 women vying for his attention, he is only going to bask in it, and no reconsider anything .

This, is not going to save your marriage. Your only chance for saving your marriage is showing your own value and self respect.

[Joe2017]

Stop doing nice things for him.

You want to know what it means to him? “I’ve got it made. I have my sexy girlfriend AND a doting wifey at home. I’m on top of the world!” You are really just showing him he can have cake and eat it too. He understands that you’re open to being plan B if his plan A doesn’t work out.

That’s the thing about reconciliation. There is a fine line between recon and the WAS just deciding that they will settle for the consolation prize of the spouse that has always been available to them.

My wayward came back to me. Twice. Each time it was for her own benefit, and not for any of the right reasons.

[Elbereth]

Thanks CWarrior! So far it seems to be working well, and if it stops working I’ll try something else. I’m grateful that things at home have been pleasant for my Step-son’s sake as losing his Senior Year experience due to the pandemic hasn’t been easy for him on top of everything happening with our M.

One day at a time, and lots of DBing, growth and GAL. That’s my current focus.

[Elbereth]

Hi Ginger1 and John2017,

Ginger1, I’m sorry that in your sitch it didn’t help, and I’m so sorry you went through that. I am in awe of his cruelty towards you.

I agree that “doing nice things” will NOT be what brings him back. I am DBing, while still detaching, and not being emotional towards him (which is also a 180). It’s those actions that I hope influence change in our dynamic. It doesn’t matter if I make him bread or do his laundry once in a while. Doing those things throughout our R sure didn’t stop him from having an EA. I don’t think those things really matter that much. Right now the OW lives in another state and I know they’ve met once at least but she isn’t here. I am. If I kick him out, it makes it harder on my step-son who lives with us half time and it’s harder to DB or have him see the changes in me if he’s not around. Also, there are impacts professionally for both of us, so another reason to remain as friendly as possible at this stage. So right now, he’s here and I’m doing the work on myself, GAL, doing 180s, detaching, giving him space as needed, etc. When and if the OW and H move in together, then I will ask him to leave. For all I know, their relationship could fall apart before they even get a chance to move in together. Right now I’m letting it run it’s course, while I’m doing what I’m doing.

My stance might change any day but this is where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t just accept him back if he ‘takes me as option 2’. What he’s done to our family, friends, and myself is awful. I’ll need to see some sincere hard work and changes to consider taking him back. At the very least, a chance at reconciliation is for a chance for closure as well if I do not want him back. But I am not at the point right now to just throw in the towel or I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. Plus, we are in a pandemic. It’s safer to have him here due to that as well, as we already have two households involved (actually three as he stays with a guy friend sometimes too).

Anyway, I hope that helps to explain my sitch a bit better. Thank you so much for your opinions and I’m sorry your sitch’s didn’t end the way you had hoped. I am fully aware that mine may not either and I’ve accepted that as well.

[Joe2017]

Just be careful. I think you feel like you're in control and being strong "for the family". I did that too. It was not worth it and it almost cost me my job and reputation because of my x.

Reconciliation involves a lot. The WAS has to be put into a contract the LBS dictates, like: The wayward must take a STD test. The wayward must relinquish all passwords to all devices and accounts. The wayward must overtly break off all contact with the AP in the presence of the LBS. A whole litany of things that places the WAS under notice that they are always subject to audit by the LBS.

And my X did them. She did everything I asked, even the STD test. She called OM on the phone with me on speaker and told him she was done and to never contact her again. And she still relapsed and went back to being wayward, texting her F buddies, calling the OM, all kinds of bullst.

It is hard. Very very hard. I did everything I could AND MORE. Still failed because of her.

Don't worry so much about the step kids. They'll understand one day. And to be frank, if they are minors they're not even your responsibility unless you adopted them

But look, the kids EO understand. My stepson still calls me Dad and wants to call me on the phone 3 years after the D. He understands what happened and he figured out it was his mother's fault, and doesn't blame me for anything.

Kids can surprise you with their resilience and intelligence.