Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[may22]

Hi Elbereth,

I know this is an absolutely awful situation. However, you seem really strong, and you're handling this whole thing with dignity and thoughtfulness. To me, you seem fairly detached already and able to analyze the situation without letting your emotions get in the way. That is fantastic.

I had a few thoughts for you to take or leave:

When I say 'connect with him', I'm doing so in ways that I don't feel are pressuring. For example, when he stayed at a friends house, I made him a favorite food item, or I send him an article I think he will enjoy...things that show I know him well, but not very intimate or love things. Hopefully that is a good thing? Or do you think I'm pressuring him even when he's not acting like I am?

My take on this is that I'd probably cut most of this behavior out. It may not be major pressure, but you never really know how it is taken in the moment. I feel confident that he KNOWS the things you hope these actions to be communicating. You don't really need to keep telling him in different ways that you know him well, the opportunity for reconciliation exists, etc. You might put yourself in his shoes a bit and try to figure out how getting a favorite food item makes you feel, if you were him? I would imagine it might make him feel more guilty than "wow, my wife knows me so well." A lot of times these WSs (or MLCers) are terrible at handling emotions generally, so those feelings of guilt get shoved down and converted into making you out to be the bad guy. Cognitive dissonance is a big player here. In order to convince themselves that they're doing the right thing, they need to believe that a R with you will never work out.

Also, if you're the one always reaching out, then you never can see if he's making any effort on his own or not. I'd recommend not being the one to initiate any conversation but having a PMA when he does and you respond. You want to leave him wanting more, not annoyed at you. Sometimes that means not talking at all, if when you do reach out it makes him feel annoyed or guilty. If that is the case, he needs that time and space from you to start to recognize that you aren't the source of all his problems.

I'd also read up some on the pursuer/distancer dynamic. I see some similarities in our sitches (and recognize a fellow analyzer when I see one ) and once I cued into this, it was really, really interesting to observe.

I think Steve's advice about not helping nor hindering the D is good, but also totally agree you need to be sure you're protected. Sounds like you are set with your L but just remember that putting the D paperwork in place, if that is needed to ensure he doesn't drain all your accounts, won't stop a reconciliation if that comes down the road.

Finally, it sounds like you're already doing this, but you know yourself the best and your H the best. You need to do this in a way that feels right to you. As LH rightly notes, everyone has their own boundaries. You seem to know yourself really well and you're doing wonderfully with boundaries, GALing, and detachment. Keep it up and don't feel like you need to do any specific set of things (like automatically divorce him if you find proof it is a PA) because other people have that boundary in their own lives and relationships.

Hang in there. You've got this.