Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

If your H were simply a WAH and that was it, then yes I would say those are good subtle gestures. Similar to talk and touch charges. The problem is that he is after someone else. I know he said he never cheated and that it is just an EA. I am not buying that. He has met with her in person. I think we would be naive to assume that he is telling the truth. Especially since cheaters NEVER admit it even in the face of undeniable evidence.

So I would stop with the reconnection efforts for the time being. You are teaching him that you will be he backup plan in case OW decides to move on. That you are willing to tolerate him being with someone else and sit back and pathetically wait for him. Do you think that makes you look more or less attractive to him?

I know for a fact they have seen each other, but are not able to on a regular basis due to distance. And he knows I know that too. And yes, I agree that I cannot believe what he tells me so I have evidence to back it up. I am doing talk charges exactly, but not too strong and not daily. And I also realize that in some ways it allows me to be his backup plan, as I truly believe the EA/PA will run its course and not last. My goal is to have the opportunity to reconcile. The doesn't mean I will take him back without some hard work on his part. But for my own growth and moving forward, I do feel I need to allow this opportunity to be there. I feel there will be plenty of time in the future to confront, deal with and disengage if that is what is to happen, so I don't want to do that right now. Plus, with the kids and my being a step-parent, as well as work related issues, I feel that keeping things on a positive note between us is important at this time. I am not intimate with him and I am not discussing R, and I am focusing on myself, I am setting boundaries where needed and if this is truly an MLC, he needs to go through what he is going through without pressure from me. At this point, I am just seeing how my gut feels each moment and trying to adjust my behavior for what feels like it's working or is working for myself and my own health.

It's confusing as my marriage program advises certain things and MLC forums advise certain things. I'm also reading the DB book. So, I'm taking in all of this information and then trying the things that feel right, with the focus on not causing more harm (if I can towards H) as well as putting my needs and my health and my growth first. For now, it feels right to me and I am calm, detached and feel a sense of peace and empowerment as I feel I am focusing on myself first and foremost. And my kids, that I still want in my life longterm.

All this advice is so helpful and keep it coming! I do really appreciate the different points of view and opinions!