i also feel that letting her walk all over me is what caused her to lose respect for me in the first place. I never used to be a push over but the fear of losing her made me weak and i lost my self respect a few years ago.
Of course it did! It's the old nasty part of human beings. We don't respect those who let us walk on them. Since a W's temperature of desire is measured by her level of respect she has for her H........you can see how important it is to look from that perspective.
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I constantly tried to fix things or felt she was upset with me and when she wasnt happy i always thought it was because of me or something i had done wrong. Like i said i apologized alot, even when i didnt think i was wrong. Thought i did it to keep the peace and she would never apologise or feel like she was in the wrong, but i realise now that it was weak of me to do that and it never actually resolved the problem.
This ^^^^^^^^is so common in the stories we read. She will not respond well to your NGS. It turns her off, b/c she sees it as weakness. Weakness is not a trait that sparks respect in a W. She knew she wasn't held accountable and you would eventually apologize (even if you didn't know what you were apologizing for), so she used your NGS against you. Although some things may change in the sitch, this particular dynamic doesn't change. Even if you split, she'll challenge your ability to stand up to her and not get pulled into her game. You have to stop being Mr. Nice Guy!
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Think we all need closure and understanding but a majority of us will never get it, it cant be a prerequisite to move on with my life but realising this and moving on are much harder than i realise. I think she is filing for divorce this week.
As you said, your identity was linked to your M. If the M is gone, then what happens to you? I've seen a lot of fear in H's who don't know who they are outside of being a husband & father. It's as if their former self has vanished. If that's the case here, then I urge you to revisit your basic core values. What are your beliefs that determine your decisions, your behavior, etc. What can you do to like yourself? You've got to respect yourself before anyone else can. So, start there.
The board is always telling newcomers to work on themselves. However, some newcomers misinterpret that advice to mean work on becoming their idea of a better H. Some newcomers think it means placating their W. No, those things are useless. The WW is not going to let her H work on their MR, b/c she doesn't want it. She's fired him! Therefore, forget her. Focus on Ace. Not what Ace needs to do to hang onto his WW, but totally apart from her and the M. What does Ace need (and don't say his W). How does Ace need to change in relationships with other people? What does he need to do in order for others to respect him as a man? Most importantly, what does he need to do to like himself?
Read self help books, take classes, get counseling, or whatever it takes to be the man you can respect. You are a valuable man, Ace.........you just need to conduct yourself as such.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
