Gordie 24 still married

[Gerda]

There are few things in life that bring me as much joy as seeing that Gordie has posted something except seeing that he has posted something to me!

I read this last night and it pierced my H-moving-back-to-my-city depression with a light of Gordie-ness.

You have given up your haiku style and are now a playwright. Both are excellent styles.

I was thinking about your sitch this morning. I was thinking about how many women would jump at the chance to have a man like you or rather specifically YOU. And how many people would say that you shouldn't stay in this marriage where you are not valued or able to show your love to a woman, let alone be loved by a woman emotionally, physically, etc. Many would say that is not a marriage.

But from a faith perspective, it sounds like exactly what God meant about laying down your life for your friends or praying for your enemy. You have given up what you deserve, what your greatness as a man should have earned you. There is no secret that the life of faith is not an easy one. It's HARD. You keep talking about how little faith you have but can't you see that it's only faith that allows you to make this choice? It makes NO sense in the earthly realm but for some reason it makes sense to your heart. That's a grace. That's "ears to hear" and that's "being called to the supper of the lamb."

Think about it -- if our MLCers were able to follow God's word against their own wills, that would be faith and would have kept them from destroying so much. Their will is telling them to do one thing but God's word tells them to do the opposite. That's the point of the word! It reminds us of what to do when we don't want to do it. I don't want to do it 50% of the time! But I overcome my will and let myself be guided by the word (esp what it says about children and family) and truth and goodness and love, at least whenever I can master my will.

And I'm not even saying that I think you should keep doing that til the day you die. I am not standing for my H anymore, but only for my kids -- I am not dating and I am just devoting my life to being a family of three and providing for my kids against difficult odds. I'm scared of my H and have reevaluted who he was this whole time, not just since BD. I figure God will make it clear one day if he wants me to have real love from a man sometime. And maybe I'll stray from this path at some point, I do miss having a guy to hang out with and sometimes hang out with guys I know but then retreat without crossing any lines. But I mean true love, true giving of yourself to each other.

Point is -- You are standing even if you decided at some point you didn't want to live this way anymore.

But I just want to say that you have way more faith than you realize. Your entire life and all the choices you are making now are based on it. We can't really know that God exists except by seeing his love given from each of us to the other, especially when that other doesn't deserve it. I don't know if your reward will be that one day your W will love you as she should or that you'll have a new life with a different woman who does or neither or both at different times, but I do know that anyone looking at you loving when your love is not returned has proof that God's love is real. Your children for sure, but also all sorts of people you know are watching and many you don't even know you have impacted.

You are the proof, you are the light.