Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[SteveLW]

I am new here and just read through your sitch. I see many comments about "friend zone". Could someone explain to me a little more about how this is different than being detached but also trying to connect with H/W?

My H hasn't served me D papers yet, but he is having a EA/PA. I've been detached but friendly, still discuss work and other non-essential things. We are separated but in same house.

I guess I'm trying to understand at what point I should shift to avoiding being in the "friend zone" and more cold and detached? Once H serves me papers? At this point, I've told H I want to work on M but he is resistant.

I work with him which makes it even more complicated.

I'm sorry NZkiwi for what you have gone through. You sound like such a great dad.

Pulling this from NZ's thread to answer here.

Elbereth, the FZ is largely a male position where women like certain men as friends but nothing more. I have read opinions that women know in the first minute of meeting a man if she could ever be intimate with him, or if he is just "friend" material. Men will sleep with just about anyone.

Men have their own quirks though. There are women that a man only wants sex with, those women that a man wants to be FWBs with, and then those women a man is willing to bring home to mom (relationship material).

So in your sitch Elbereth, I am less concerned about the FZ because MOST men aren't interested in being friends with an ex. In other words, if your H ends up leaving likely he won't be interested in talking to you. Or hanging out with you platonically. Men sometimes use friendship to try to have more with a woman (sex and/or R), so if he truly moves on from you likely he won't try to friend you because he won't be interested in trying for the sex and R part.

So Elbereth, your goal is to be friendly, upbeat, fulfilled and pleased around him. But not to let his words and actions cause you to react emotionally. Even if you get hurt, upset, shocked, etc on the inside, on the outside you are cool as a cucumber. Detachment is never cold. If you start getting cold toward him then you are doing it wrong.

As far as trying to connect with him, I caution you here. Trying to connect with him involves pressure and pursuit, which you are trying to avoid right now. Instead, continue to focus on yourself. GAL as much as possible, stay busy. Keep working on becoming the best version of yourself you can. And work on detaching more and more. Detachment is not like a flip you switch, it takes work and time to get good at. So keep working on it.