Gordie 24 still married

[Gordie]

Roist: You can see she isn't right (as in ok not being right or wrong). She's not herself and she's definitely not happy. In your situation there is no wondering about that. Once separated, the unknown makes us wonder and the LBS usually assumes things are going well for the WAS because they now have what they wanted. Still at home or separated she still has to go through her crisis.

Gordie: True, she is still going through her crisis.

Roist: Your aim was/is to save your M. Being still "together" is closer to that objective than being separated. Whereas separation in some cases can help the WAS see their priorities change and they realise the true value of what they are leaving, in many cases it's an extra barrier to getting back to happiness together.

Gordie: Yes, for me, I choose to see being together is closer to my goal than separated.

Roist: Living as ye are sure isn't fun and can be extremely difficult because you see constantly the differences between how you'd like to interact and the reality. That isn't easy to live with. I would also add it is no way to live indefinitely. Until the day you decide you prefer to stop living that way, your focus needs to be on how you are going to live in cohabitation. I'll expand on that in the next paragraph. Beforehand know that you are living that way because of a choice you made. This isn't a critic but know that is a choice you can change too. There is no pressure to decide today but know you have that power.

Gordie: Yes, thank you for the reminder that this is a choice. I'm not trapped, though I admit that sometimes I feel that way, so that's a good reminder.

Roist: Now back to the how. How are you living? Are you living or surviving? It's important to take care if yourself.

Gordie: I'm living well and taking care of myself, exercising my mind and body. Sometimes I don't sleep so well because we are still in the same bed, but sleep far apart from one another.

Roist: First advice that I would give you is to avoid focusing on the negative. By that I really mean on what is missing from your R. That leads on to the huge topic of expectations and intentions and the difference with reality. But that's a topic you surely know by now!! By focusing on what isn't there you don't see what is there.

Gordie: Another good reminder. I'm at this stage where it's easy to dwell on the glass half empty and forget the glass half full.

Roist: You do seem to have accepted your situation as being as it is. That's good, but I suspect a part of you hasn't fully accepted it, which brings me back to my previous point.

Gordie: True, there is a part of me that hasn't fully accepted it. I guess there's a mix of acceptance (or lack thereof) the current situation, and hope / expectation that things can get better.

Roist: It's good you have friends that you can turn too when down. That's great. Don't bottle things up BUT I would also avoid constantly pouring out about how bad things are. It's related to the point about what you focus on. I remember a story about a W who constantly bad mouthed her H to everyone around her. When she realized that this wasn't good or helpful she decided to stop. But her mother and others would refer to H as she had done previously and when she tried to state positive stuff about him there was resistance because they had been conditioned to thinking of him negatively. But more importantly the Person talking is also influencing their own brain.

Gordie: Good reminder. I confide in a few buddies, but we talk about everything and only sometimes about M.

Roist: It's great you have a strong dad role. I hear you in that it's probably not a fair sharing of parenting, but you are building a huge base for a great relationship with your kids going forward. That is priceless. Look at Irish and his R with his girls.

Gordie: Another good reminder. If it weren't for this crisis, I wouldn't be spending this much time with my kids and that is a gift.