You’d think after 35 years and crossing the senior citizen 65 line, divorce would be beyond rare - if only for the fear of going through that, being alone, etc. I see more couples who perhaps just become friends even separate bedrooms but at least years ago D seemed so rare with first marriage long marriage seniors. But I guess not anymore. No one is immune. 35 years and D - if that’s indeed where this is headed. It will be interesting to hear the rest of the story. The world really continues to change.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Trying to figure out how best to advise my friend. I think she is truly done at this point so most likely all I can do is make financial/practical divorce recommendations, but she is a hot-tempered person so it's also possible that this may pass (not terribly likely, but still).
Apparently he's been an alcoholic for a long time ( I did know that he had struggled with opioids during his back problems but not about the alcohol). He's in AA now but through the steps has admitted to her his porn addiction which has existed before and throughout their marriage. He's not really succeeding in giving it up and hasn't truly followed through with counseling. He flirts with the women in his AA group and isn't in a SAA group. Meanwhile he hasn't had sex with her for several years and she feels pretty betrayed. Apparently there was more stuff in the past that wasn't really good. I get the feeling she's been holding the relationship together for years and is just tired. Classic story in some ways - she was the young thing in her 20's who "won" the hot guy in his thirties (who had already cheated on a previous wife) and then spent her time looking over her shoulder and working extra hard to be perfect so he wouldn't stray.
I don't think she has a realistic picture yet of what divorce will do financially. She wants to keep their house but at current valuations she could not probably afford to buy him out of it, unless she gave up her share of his pension, which would not be wise. (She was a stay at home wife for many years and although she has a job now, I doubt her social security benefit would be enough in retirement and she's almost 60 already so not too much time to make up. I don't know what they might have in other savings though - maybe it's enough. Or maybe he'll feel bad enough to give her the house, she says he does stand to inherit a bunch of money eventually and maybe that will make him feel more generous. )
I suspect he'll be devastated once he realizes what he has lost. She'd be a hard act for any woman to follow.
Apparently there was more stuff in the past that wasn't really good. I get the feeling she's been holding the relationship together for years and is just tired.
I think that grey divorce is an increasing trend and for the reasons you mention. One spouse who has been doing all the heavy lifting who has just had enough. And from what I've seen those with personality disorders like it sounds that your friend's husband has, that they get worse instead of better as they age. My ex-father-in-law - who had multiple infidelities - went from a charming charismatic man to a rather slimy sort of creep as he aged. It's one thing for a 50 year old to flirt and flatter a 20 year old and stay within the bounds of decency but when he got into his late 70s he would forget about those bounds and still try to charm the 20 year olds. Fortunately my ex-mother-in-law found some of her backbone in her late 60s and kept him somewhat in line.
As those of us who are children of the 50s and 60s age those couples who in our parent's time would have stuck it out "for better or for worse" I'm sure there is a growing number who are going to throw in the towel. I read regularly about infidelity in couples in their 60s and 70s as hard as that would have been for me to understand 6 years ago. And spouses don't accept that and sweep it under the rug like they used to.
Sad as it is to relay I know that my grandmother probably got 5 years younger and certainly was a lot brighter and happier person when my grandfather died. I loved them both dearly but my grandfather was certainly a curmudgeonly sort who insisted on things being "just so". We all found it humourous that the first thing my grandmother did after my grandfather got put into a nursing home was to go around the house and wind up all the cuckoo clocks that he had insisted be stopped because the noise bothered him.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yeah I was going to suggest that to her. Although she's really down on AA right now because she sees his involvement with women in his AA groups as a factor and has been reading a lot of "anti-AA" stuff. Even though there were no addiction issues in my divorce, my friend gave me an Alanon book Courage to Change that was actually helpful as I went through the divorce. Wonder if I still have it anywhere?
Yeah, Andrew - I think you're right. Probably for a lot of reasons. Women have more financial rights than they had in the 60's. People expect to live longer and be younger longer so the idea of a 60 year old woman wanting to get out and have a sex life is not as foreign as it might have been back then. Men have Viagra. And we simply didn't grow up with the same mentality that you stick it out no matter what.
And yeah, people just become more of what they are as they age, unless they are open to change and growth. Most of us here had to be forced into growth and change but it's been the silver lining of this whole experience!
My sister's opinion was that she ought to consider waiting him out, since he's ten years older and has a cardiac history, and then she could have everything! However I don't see that as an attractive option for her at all.
My sister's opinion was that she ought to consider waiting him out, since he's ten years older and has a cardiac history, and then she could have everything! However I don't see that as an attractive option for her at all.
My ex-wife had a lot of decorative pillows around ..... She also had a fat husband with known cardiac issues who was known to like his beer and whiskey .... I wonder sometimes if it ever crossed her mind. She would have gotten well over 1/2 million in cash plus an intact reputation and nobody would have asked question 1.
I still have one of those decorative pillows around somewhere.
On the other hand there are a lot of people who just separate and never bother with a divorce or financial settlement. I'm just in the process of disentangling myself from one. I have a cousin who never divorced, never got a settlement, just walked away from an abusive relationship. I'm sure that there are numerous "couples" who are "taking a break" with no intention of ever getting back together. To quote the ancient philosopher Paul Simon - there are 50 ways to leave your lover ..
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
yes it did occur to me that just separating might benefit her financially, but I think she's interested in dating and wouldn't want to do that just being separated. And here in California, my ex was advised that a legal separation was just as much work and expense as a divorce and that one should just do the divorce - that was also the lawyer who told my ex that if there was any way to save his marriage he should, and we did reconcile for several years. I don't know the lawyer's name but I've always blessed him for that.
