Another LBH (kinda) pt. 4

[SaltyDog]

Hey Mach - always enjoy your responses and questions!

I have been reading though. I'm trying to get a read on you. Trying to get a good view of who you are , stripped of your current situation.

I feel like you are constantly on the edge of having a good excuse for just not doing better for yourself.

I feel like you are always looking for the easy way out of this situation.

I wouldn't argue with most of this. I also read through my posts recently and it wasn't pleasant. Like I mention in one of my previous posts, I've been (and am) the type to choose something certain that s*cks instead of something uncertain that might be better. I see that and I know that, but making that change is another story.

I feel like you are still trying to hold her accountable for your decisions, and holding her responsible for your emotions.

This I would argue. I am responsible for my emotions and my decisions, not her. In the past in our R I definitely blamed her and resented her for my emotions but looking back now that was 100% on me for not speaking up and for being a "Nice Guy."

What LH and everyone else is trying to get you to see, is that taking back YOUR power isn't totally about the bedroom, or the house, or whatever physical thing that is presenting itself that particular day...

Taking back your power is about holding yourself responsible for all that crap in your life.

I get that. And I am working on it and I feel like I am making headway. I know in the past I was the type to let her make the decisions and I went along for the ride and avoided conflict like the plague. Making these changes is uncomfortable and against my past nature, but I realize in order for me to be happy (with or without her) I need to make these changes.

Understanding that she isn't consciously doing any of this to deliberately hurt you, or wound you. she is doing this for herself. And if you can step back and see the good in this.....at "end game" , it will be for you too ...

This is a realization I came to recently as well and I do see "the good" in this. Had she not done this I would still be the same person I was - depressed, going through each day numb, no drive, drinking, and just feeling unsatisfied. Her doing this was the kick in the ass I couldn't give myself. I don't blame her for bailing. She was stronger than me and able to stand up and say "I'm not happy and things need to change." But I'm also working on getting past blaming myself as well and forgiving myself. that part is hard.

It isn't about "winning" or "losing"...

It isn't about "punishing" her....

I haven't experienced that (yet). I don't feel like punishing her. In a lot of ways I pity her. Beyond me and our current situation she's got a lot of broken stuff to work on. That's not to say I'm perfect, but she's wayward also in that she's lost herself and she's grasping at anything at this point. She mentioned going to Africa and living off the grid at one point. I nodded politely. I guess that's why I have low expectations of us ending up together. She's so lost right now I don't know if she'll ever find her way and I also don't know once she does that I will want to be with her. Because I sure as sh!t am not moving to Africa.

Some days, it's about surviving, some days it's about thriving. THAT my friend....is YOUR choice.

I can honestly say that since the BD I have had more days of thriving than I had in the year prior. I've also had some of the worst days of my life. But at least I'm feeling them again. I don't like hurting, but I don't want to be numb again. I want to experience things again rather than just going through the motions.

Soooooo.....

What do YOU want ????

How do you get there ???

How will you know when you get there ???

How do you stay there once you get there ????

These are all the things I'm working on figuring out every day. I also look in the mirror each day ask myself "Who am I?" Seems silly but it centers me a bit and gets me to focus on that very basic question. Of the things you listed above, the one that I am the most scared of is "How do you stay there once you get there ????" because I can think of nothing worse than going through all of this only to fall back into the old patterns. I mentioned it to LH19 at one point that if I had gone hard on DBing back in November or so, and it worked and she changed her mind and came back, would I have stuck with that path? Knowing me, I don't think I would've and I'd be right back here in 6 months or a year.