Trying to heal from WW

[Ace_32]

Thanks Sandi, i tend to be too hard on myself and i have been for as long as i can remember. I do tend to blame myself alot, if only i had been more attentive or nicer she would still be here,etc. but i guess thats how most LBS think. My confidence and self esteem were already affected before her current affair, i think my self identity was tied in to my marriage and relationship with her. While we were still together i was constantly apologising and feeling like nothing i did was ever good enough, i could do 100 things right but then 1 thing wrong in her eyes and thats all she would focus on.

I dont believe her behavior defines me as a man, but as i mentioned i think my self identity was in our marriage and i feel completely lost now. Yes you are making sense, i do have quite good morals and i am respectful of rules. I also feel that i have been respectful in most cases when communicating with her the last few months, never really got angry or tried to make her feel bad about leaving but i also feel that letting her walk all over me is what caused her to lose respect for me in the first place. I never used to be a push over but the fear of losing her made me weak and i lost my self respect a few years ago.

I constantly tried to fix things or felt she was upset with me and when she wasnt happy i always thought it was because of me or something i had done wrong. Like i said i apologized alot, even when i didnt think i was wrong. Thought i did it to keep the peace and she would never apologise or feel like she was in the wrong, but i realise now that it was weak of me to do that and it never actually resolved the problem.

You are right about the rebellious teen thing, the last year we were together she basically said she had done everything she could and she was done trying and started going out more and saying she can do whatever she wants. Its shocking actually how ignorant and blind we can be, because i thought things were going better between us for a few months after that and i never expected her to leave. I guess that mindset kept me from doing the work on my side to change the things i was doing or wasnt doing that she said she wanted, i didn't think i could lose her and BD was a surprise to me even if i could see all the signs that it was coming. I wasnt happy within myself and i think i put to much pressure on her and the marriage to make me happy, but if you aren't happy with yourself then nobody else is going to make you happy.

To be honest most of the time i didnt understand why she was upset with me, even if she explained it. Think im very rational and i struggled to understand or reason with her when her emotional side came out. You are right, she is not interested in a future with me or talking about us. Like she says, there isnt an 'us' anymore and its difficult to comprehend how someone that i thought loved me so much can just completely turn their back on me. Think we all need closure and understanding but a majority of us will never get it, it cant be a prerequisite to move on with my life but realising this and moving on are much harder than i realise. I think she is filing for divorce this week.