So when the darker days/thoughts come I feel like I have more tools and weapons to fight back. Which is good, because the dark days and thoughts sure as sh!t aren't going anywhere soon.
Yo SD, what do these dark thoughts look like?
They tend to be around what she's doing and/or what she's done or at least start there. Picturing things, ruminating about them, wondering who she is with, if she's thinking about me, building out all sorts of worst-case scenarios in my head which spiral into anxiety and fear. That then tends to take over my focus. I start thinking about the future and all the sh!t we'll have to go through if we D, the kids, the friends, etc. And from there it just builds into this insurmountable pile of crap in my head and constant anxiety.
Lately I've been able to cut that cycle once I feel it starting, or at least pull myself out of it, by shifting my focus from the bad to the good and by being aware and conscious that what I am THINKING isn't necessarily real, or helpful. I can (attempt) to acknowledge that negative feeling or thought and then let it pass instead of getting sucked into it and spending energy battling it.
One example is that I was at the studio and we share a work desk for when we're here. There is a spiral notebook in the drawer - it isn't anybody's it is just there to use. I've used to when playing games with my son, she's left notes for me in it. I needed to use it for a work meeting and find there's a page in there with her notes, and while I don't know the full context of them were about someone else but obviously didn't look like they were about me. In the past, that would've been the trigger for a full-blown meltdown. And it did begin to trigger one, for sure. But at some point I was able to pull back and ask myself "is there anything here you didn't already know or expect?" and "Does reading this change anything when it comes to what you need to do?" and I was able to put some space between me and the feelings rather than dwelling in them and 30 minutes later it had mostly passed. I didn't call her on it, bring it up, or focus on it. I left it in there and used the notebook for my work notes. Of course, I did manage to leave my notes in there and when I came back the next time her page had been ripped out. So I am still a little childish. lol.
