Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[may22]

I don't know if he is fully aware of how much I contributed to our business and what it would cost to replace me and maintain the level of financial success we enjoyed. Is that something I should talk to him about? He is very sensitive about believing that he started this business all on his own, it's an ego thing for him, but I also have a vested interest in his success because I need support and alimony until I am able to be financially solvent. What would you guys do?

Hi dear Sage,

I've been thinking about this question of yours all day. I think it is a really tough one. It makes a lot of sense to me that his ego is wholly wrapped up into the idea of him doing this business all on his own, and he has probably taken very much for granted all the work you have done in the business. In many ways, it also mirrors how you have consistently taken on the lion's share at home too. he simply has no idea what it takes to run your household, let alone your business.

I worry that this is going to be really hard, because he is probably starting from such a fantasyland place with zero bearing on reality, and it is hard for you to both be the compassionate partner in detangling your marriage and business and at the same time be the truth-teller to someone who has buried his head for so long. I had some ideas of different strategies you might employ, all for you to take or leave:

-- you are such a good listener-- can you start this out by just asking him to share his thoughts? Maybe even say you want to understand what he is thinking and absorb it without responding at all? Direct him to a website that has the basics of what a community property D looks like and get his first take? That way you know what you're dealing with. maybe he could give it to you in an email or something, so you don't have any pressure to react in real time to it (at least in his sight).

-- instead of starting out with a D attorney, another option might be a counselor that specializes in divorce or in business breakups. I have a friend whose family went through a process of dividing up a big family business, and they hired a consultant/psychologist to manage the process. It wasn't cheap, but it might feel more collaborative and could help you hammer out a deal before you bring in the Ls.

-- I also wonder if you might reconsider the idea of starting out with a mediator, rather than wholly on your own. A mediator does this work all day long and a good one can really, really help without making it feel adversarial. It doesn't need to be shuttling back and forth to different rooms, I think you can be in the room, the three of you, and walk through things. That way you have a trained third party who both knows and understands the law (so you aren't the bearer of bad news on reality here) and can help you both go through all the necessary questions. I think the benefit of starting with a professional (even if you went the divorce counselor route rather than mediator) is that they might be able to keep it from going off the rails in the first place, whereas your H doesn't have the best track record in non-monstering when it just the two of you and he starts to feel uncomfortable or guilty. If you try on your own and he monsters, then you're starting from a negative point when you get to mediation rather than neutral or both feeling relatively positive about the process and situation.

-- I don't know if this is a fear of yours (or even a question given that your H needs to travel for work) but I had a major fear that once we got to the D part where H really understood the implications of giving me more than 50/50 custody-- not only getting less time with the kids but paying me more in child support-- that I would lose out on time with the children AND the $$, which I probably would have needed to help me keep this house. (though with interest rates where they are, I could have just refinanced, so there is that!) Anyway, I agree with the others that working out the custody part first and getting some agreement and closure on it could be really beneficial, before you get to the sticky business stuff.

You are such an amazing person, Sage. I'm glad that you're able to see past his confusion and sadness and that none of that has a single thing to do with YOU. Keep that beautiful head held high. You got this.

xx M