I wasn't risky. I played golf with my parents, stayed at their house, went to the beach once, my dad and I went to an outdoor bar once, and we did go to dinner at an outdoor restaurant. The riskiest thing I did was to fly. I don't feel sick and I'm not getting tested.

I did think AS idea for a 180 was brilliant, and if we were in a different place I would do it, but I think I'm done with that. I am thinking about the last several years of interactions. I tried everything under the sun. Bottom line is she never made any attempt to change. She was unhappy and believes I'm the reason. She believes I was controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, abusive, and a narcissist. She didn't work and did less and less around the house while I picked up more responsibilities. She would claim she did "everything around here" as she continued to help out less and do less.

I might be past some of the DB-ing ideas. Whether or not she changes her mind in any fashion is up to her. I agree with AS that I may want to consider "not rocking the boat," but at the same time I'm kind of interested in moving on.

Her affair started in 2015. And before that, in 2014 I remember thinking that the only way I felt love from her was because she would make love to me. Otherwise she was mean.

I was in love with the memory of her from 2000 when we met until about 2012 when she began to change into a different person than the one I had known. I held on to that memory for a very very long time and hoped she would become the woman I loved again, but that woman is gone. Every once in a while I would see that woman again, just a glimpse. I could see her in her eyes or her smile, but that woman is not coming back. I need to mourn that loss and move on.

I also held tightly onto this for the kids. When it started my daughter was 4. Through all I did I was able to earn 5 more years of seeing my daughter every day. My son was 7, I did the same for him.

She refused to change, she had the affair, she pushed the separation and divorce, she can have it.

I now need to learn to respect myself again, stand up for myself again, and get stronger, without getting aggressive. That's my challenge. I need to get back to who I was when I was fun loving, knew my self-worth, and could determine my Own path.

I liked your idea AS, but that moment has passed.

I did sign up for the vaccine - I would love to see that come through.