Oct/Nov of 2019 H starts acting really distant after a very stressful year of work, travel and building our business. I find out about an EA with a client and lose my mind and say and do all the wrong things. H tells me he is not sure if he wants to work on the M, just wants to be happy. We start MC, but it feels like H is just ticking boxes. He goes to MC alone and then tells me he wants to separate and 'find out what he wants in life'. I didn't see any of this coming, I had no idea he was unhappy. I knew that work stress was intense for both of us, but I never thought we would be in the place. We have four young children and our relationship was the envy of all of our friends and family. H moved out in Aug 2020.
After a horrific year of monstering, spewing, being told all sorts of horrible things about myself and my personality and a complete re-writing of history, I am finally ready to drop the rope. I have spent the past year trying to see things from his perspective, examined what I have done wrong, how I need to change and blamed myself for all of our marital issues. We had an awful conversation on NYE, I held it together for the kids and afterwards once I was alone, I sobbed and sobbed. That was a turning point for me. I decided I can't live like this anymore. I can no longer be a punching bag for someone else's projections, emotions and issues that I did not cause. I did not break him. I cannot fix him.
I have spent the past month trying to build back my self-worth and self-esteem, but it is achingly slow. H and I have started D discussions and I have accepted that this is what he wants and that it is the most likely outcome. I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. I am able to be calm, kind and considerate in our frequent interactions and I have established boundaries that feel clear and comfortable to both of us. If we weren't talking about D, I would say that things between us this past month are the best they have been in a year.
The latest discussion that was happening on my previous thread was about negotiating a D on our own. I think my expectation here is that we will start the process in good faith and see how far we can go on our own.
For anyone reading the in the future, the last few pages of my previous thread has some really good ideas and experienced suggestions for the D process, so it is worth reading. Below I have quoted some of the most salient points to my situation, thanks OwnIt, KML, Gerda and Wayfarer!
Originally Posted by OwnIt
A suggestion, perhaps come up with a schedule of topics and try to deal with them in short meetings. Long meetings covering lots of topics are tough in the best of times. Have an attorney review anything before you sign. Know your deal breakers and your throwaways. People don't always want the same things and sometimes the other side really cares about something you don't. Also private resolutions provide much more flexibility than what the court can grant. So put on your thinking cap. What can you give him that you don't value and he might. Does he have fears you could allay in some way? Often people draw lines in the sand insistent on getting things the court can't even give them or fighting to the death over hypothetical issues.
Always good to get custody/visitation out of the way and it isn't something you can tradeoff for other factors.
Originally Posted by KML
I would recommend you have a consultation on your own with an attorney. Just to find out what are your rights, and what is reasonable to expect. All too often these “let’s work it out ourselves” situations result in the woman getting shafted more often than not.
Then ask for a little bit more than you’re entitled to, so you have some room to negotiate.
Also don’t forget life insurance in him sufficient to cover child support until the kids are grown and spousal support.
Originally Posted by Gerda
My dad also told me, based on his D from my MLC mom, that he got very good advice from his lawyer at the time. Cut all ties, leave nothing open. For my dad that meant giving her a credit for alimony and child support on her share of the house, so that after their D, they had no cause to have any financial discussion ever again.
---- The last question on my previous thread:
I don't know if he is fully aware of how much I contributed to our business and what it would cost to replace me and maintain the level of financial success we enjoyed. Is that something I should talk to him about? He is very sensitive about believing that he started this business all on his own, it's an ego thing for him, but I also have a vested interest in his success because I need support and alimony until I am able to be financially solvent. What would you guys do?
I will definitely have everything reviewed before I sign a thing. In the meantime, all the suggestions, experiences and thoughts are really helpful to me, so keep them coming!
