WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.)

[Ready2Change]

From my personal notes:

Communication
Figure out what kind of person I am currently dealing with. Respond to each type completely different:
1) Wise people listen, so talking to them works.
2) When dealing with foolish people, stop talking and set limits and consequences.
3) If the person is behaving evil, let lawyers and law enforcement deal with them.

Remember, 55% of the message is conveyed visually through body language and facial expressions, 38% is expressed vocally by my tempo, tone and inflections and only 7% verbally through my words. Before speaking, assure all 3V’s are congruent to avoid confusing the listener.

Lets assume she is acting foolish for now. If boundaries don't work, then you move to #3.

After I said I went to Florida she sent me an email asking why I “violated” our agreement not to travel. I said that I didn’t And asked her to read the agreement our mediator put together.

Do not be direct. Be indirect as someone else pointed out. H:"Which clause of our agreement do you believe I violated?"

Then she comes over to drop something off for our daughter. I let her greet the kids and then Waited outside.

Did you agree for her to come over? Might be another place for a boundary. Right now, do you think it is good for her to come around during your parenting time?

When you....
I feel....
If you....
I will....

Once the kids were gone I said we should talk about the travel. She said nope. I said if you read the agreement... and she started running to her car. I told her that I was no longer going to accept the way she treats me as she slammed her door and drove off.

Do not chase a cat.(IE don't instigate any conversations with her. If she brings something up, listen and validate....right now is the time to STFU and listen.

Then she got home and sent me four emails.

You are blessed! I wish my X would split emails into individual topics. Email should be your primary communication with her. It gives you time to clarify all your thoughts. Run any past us if you want.

One saying she read our agreement and that I was wrong, that we had committed not to travel. (This was not true and immediately sent it to an attorney friend of mine to confirm I wasn’t crazy - she read it and confirmed my thinking).

I reviewed MY divorce agreement. On page 11, in section 8.f it states "If either of us travels with our children for an extended period of time, he or she shall give the other the location and telephone number where the children may be reached in the event of an emergency".

"Travel with the children" is the important clause. "Extend period" is vague and and if Either of us had an issues I would negotiate concrete values.

Wife does this work for you?-->
"If either of us travels with our children outside of the state for more than 5 days, he or she shall give (before the children leave) the other the location and telephone number where the children may be reached in the event of an emergency". If not, do you want more or less days?

She sent me another email about kids sports (which I had already sent her the schedule for earlier in the day).

H:"Thanks"

Another one telling me to call my neighbor because he owes my son money for chores.

Either set boundary (if you dont' want her "Telling you to do this that or the other" ..Or "I will take care of it"


And another saying she signed up for some family software to manage our calendar, which had been written into our “agreement”.[/quote]
"Perfect!"

She used to do this all the time, she would say I agreed to something that I never agreed to and then claim I was changing the truth; this time it’s literally in writing and she STILL claims I’m changing the story. It’s crazy. I remember clearly going over our arrangement with the mediator and the mediator telling her she couldn’t control me and that I could make my own decisions.

YUP...gaslighting.

But at some point, I can’t stand by and allow this behavior to continue. I’m getting divorced and I can’t let her beat on me anymore. That’s got to end.

"Sorry you feel that way" goes along way.