Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

Hi all!
I hope January is not being too harsh given the poor situation we have now with COVID. I have not posted before because I have a new project going on, one I am leading (yuju!), with a pharma company in Israel and I am fully at 'shine at work' mode. I have continued to work on my PIES and NC regarding W. We continue to exchange the kids only and she is always cheerfully saying hello and goodbye as if life was wonderful. I try to stay respectful and distant, I have noticed lately I have developed some kind of apathy towards W, as if all I want when we have to see each other is leave asap an resume the work on me.

I have not had my next IC session yet, but I will be sure to bring up the subject of grief. I continue to exercise a lot, run consistently over 30 km every week, I monitor my clothes and hygiene and I do my sexual kung-fu geeky things. It has been hard to have good conversations as we are close to lock-down again but I am devoted to my children, I have started a new ps4 game with S7 and I play a lot with S2 and all his new Christmas toys. I am still reading NMMNG and trying to focus on changing those behaviors and never letting any woman influence what I think about my believes and values. I have deviated my attention to refurbishing the bathroom in my house here, so that gives me something to stay entertained.

The other day I learnt W has moved to a smaller house which lucky for her is in the same building where her parents live, I guess this will mean more support with the kids which is great for S7 and S2. What hurts is that I had to hear that from S7, W only sent me the new address per PM and after I think she blames me for having to move after I lowered alimony, even if I am paying more that should be fair according to my L, I guess I am always going to be the bad guy, I dont say this as a victim, it really makes me sad that she has such a perception of myself.

Last week we went to a catechesis session for S7 and I have to tell it here because I need to vent out. It was pathetic, ridiculous and nonsense to be in the same room, sitting apart as strangers and not even exchanging a mere hello but listening to a nun talk about the bible, the family and Jesus Christ. I know I was there for my S7, but why are we pushing for him to have catholic values in the middle of a D? Sometimes I think it would be better for me to just tell her straight I want S7 to go to a good private school and cut all the catholic cr@p we get in Seville. Maybe I am furious because that same education and traditional values are destroying me inside for being unable to give my children a "model" family. When the parent's session was over we waited for S7 to come out, she made a couple of comments but I was silent and calm, then she made a couple of calls away from me (again that secret-ism hurt me, I need to work on detachment). She said bye to S7 and we parted our ways.

I still think a lot about the past, what we had in Munich and how much my life has changed over the last year and a half. My friends have made many comments about how I am growing as a man, but the truth is I still have days I cry for 20 mins in the shower or the bed. For me it still obvious with work on both sides we could have fixed many things, I guess I need to learn how to live with that feeling.

On another positive note I have built a couple of robots with the lego mindstorms EV3 with S7 and he loves them, what a cool idea as a surprise Christmas gift I had. It is very good to be so busy with work this week, that prevents me from thinking about how much I miss the little ones and all those negative emotions that are still with me. I am making a tremendous effort to be more thankful, cheerful and to focus on all the great things in my life. Thank you all for your support and please continue to post, you are always a source of strength!

Hugs! Pack