After I said I went to Florida she sent me an email asking why I “violated” our agreement not to travel. I said that I didn’t And asked her to read the agreement our mediator put together. Then she comes over to drop something off for our daughter. I let her greet the kids and then Waited outside.
Once the kids were gone I said we should talk about the travel. She said nope. I said if you read the agreement... and she started running to her car. I told her that I was no longer going to accept the way she treats me as she slammed her door and drove off.
Then she got home and sent me four emails. One saying she read our agreement and that I was wrong, that we had committed not to travel. (This was not true and immediately sent it to an attorney friend of mine to confirm I wasn’t crazy - she read it and confirmed my thinking). She sent me another email about kids sports (which I had already sent her the schedule for earlier in the day). Another one telling me to call my neighbor because he owes my son money for chores. And another saying she signed up for some family software to manage our calendar, which had been written into our “agreement”.
Holy smokes. It almost ruined my first night with the kids in five days; I was really on tilt.
But, I’m glad I stood my ground and stuck up for myself. This was not a time to listen and validate or to be a patsy. She needs to stop trying to control me and push me around. She used to do this all the time, she would say I agreed to something that I never agreed to and then claim I was changing the truth; this time it’s literally in writing and she STILL claims I’m changing the story. It’s crazy. I remember clearly going over our arrangement with the mediator and the mediator telling her she couldn’t control me and that I could make my own decisions.
Maybe somewhere here would say I should have handled something differently. Maybe i should not have replied to her email that accused me of “violations.” My reply was short and direct. Maybe when she stopped by i should not have said anything to her at all. But at some point, I can’t stand by and allow this behavior to continue. I’m getting divorced and I can’t let her beat on me anymore. That’s got to end.
Wow. Overall, good job. However, IF you have the legal standing to go to FL based on the agreement.....WHO CARES what she thinks? Chasing her out to the car wanting to discuss it is not DBing. That is pressure. That is literally pursuit!
Remember, be firm, resolved, not angry or mean.
She is actually better at this than you are. She is keeping all of your communications in writing in email. That should be your tact as well.
Email from WAS: "You violated the mediation agreement by traveling." Email response: "No I didn't. I will discuss this with my lawyer." (Note, I don't care that you agreed to mediation, D is a legal proceeding and even with mediation you need a lawyer to understand your rights and what is legal!)
Then drop it.
"Maybe somewhere here would say I should have handled something differently. Maybe i should not have replied to her email that accused me of “violations.” My reply was short and direct. Maybe when she stopped by i should not have said anything to her at all. But at some point, I can’t stand by and allow this behavior to continue. I’m getting divorced and I can’t let her beat on me anymore. That’s got to end. "
Where did she try to beat on you? In her opinion the mediation agreement said that you couldn't travel. In yours it allows it. So talk to a lawyer and understand it.
In the future, do not let her know your comings and goings. When she has the kids, that is SCOTT TIME. Go do what Scott wants to do. Your kids don't need to know. Your STBXW doesn't need to know. I have to wonder if the letting your son know about the Florida trip was secretly an attempt to get that information to her. Scott, if that is even true in the slightest, you need to reign that in. Detached people do not do those kinds of things. AND they almost always backfire on you.
At minimum, never chase her out to the car no matter what she is accusing you of. SHE isn't the one you need to worry about. The mediator and a judge are.
One last thing. Likely, if she is making this false accusation it is because she doesn't like the way mediation is going. I based that on her baseless accusations in the first mediation, and then jumping on the first thing (your travel) she could to try to say you violated the mediated agreement. Likely she is about to go the nuclear option. You need to lawyer up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
