WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.)

[Traveler]

I'm a big fan of the progress you have made. This is how I interpret your interactions with your STBXW--

If Steve goes on the trip:
: This is Steve being in-control and Steve standing up for himself

If Steve cancels his trip because it's risky, breaks his agreement, or breaks state rules:
: This is Steve being prudent

If Steve cancels a trip because his wife says so:
: This is Steve's wife being in control and Steve not standing up for himself

If Steve ignores or responds briefly to his STBXW's e-mail:
: This is Steve detaching

If Steve gets riles up, argues who's right, won't stop after "No", and believes his STBXW must change:
: This is Steve NOT detaching

I can’t stand by and allow this behavior to continue. I’m getting divorced and I can’t let her beat on me anymore.

She's most in control when you allow her to drive your choices, somewhat in control when you allow her to drive your words and feelings (where you are now), and least in control when you detach and let go.