Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Hi Steve85,

Thank you for responding. I have fixated on his MLC, I can't deny that. I'm a very analytical person and actually digging into the details has also allowed me to remain as calm and detached as I have been--as I can understand better how I have no control over his actions or feelings as well as it helps to realize it's not about me (not that I was perfect partner for my part either).

I've not told him he is in crisis or anything, but yeah, I agree he is seeing things the way you describe. He does have a tendency to not finish things and to run, so this is another manifestation of those tendencies I think. I am doing my best to focus on myself and actually that has been so much easier now that I am physically feeling better and feel more like myself again now that I got the help I needed medically. I was suffering from some major stress and anxiety, so I've been getting my heart checked and other tests to ensure I am on track to being healthy again. So far so good. I've lost weight, I'm working out again, doing self-care, reading and doing a lot of things for growth and development and just trying to be the best me. I've actually done pretty well in not responding emotionally and not engaging in drama. Overall, he was actually acting better as a roommate than he'd been for the last few years as a H. Even when I told him I would not help with the D, he didn't respond with anger, which surprised me.

He has been staying here for weeks, but this week he says he's going to stay elsewhere. Odd, as now our S is over again, so you would think he would want to stay here while his S is here (he goes back and forth between bio-moms house and ours every 2 wks). Anyway, he is also taking a trip all of the followoing week as well...and I am assuming he is seeing the OW as he is again going to the other state. I just hope he does what I asked and if he sees her that he stays away until he's quarantined to protect me and our son from Covid. I have hardly even brought her up. I only asked that he not wear a ring from her in my presence and if he sees her to quarantine. That is it. No other questions, no R discussions in detail, nothing.

As for IC I was...until recently. But I started to feel like he wasn't doing exactly as you suggested and I want, dig into my feelings and thoughts and growth. So I am looking at other options. He also asked if I was interested in dating for the PT I am missing...I was like WHA? Weird. No.

My first M almost 20yrs with 2 yrs of counseling. So it's important to me that I walk away feeling I did what I could to have my own closure if things do not work out. So that is my current goal, move forward with integrity, true to my principles, etc.

I guess what is hard, is if he serves me for a D, should I go along, or is being resistant to helping causing more harm than good? I do need to protect myself financially, as he has drained accounts, bought expensive toys, etc. He also wants to sell our home in a few months which is disrupting to our S who is having the 'worst Senior year' already due to Covid. So for now, I've just been trying to stall as well for S's stability. H thinks "he will be fine, he needs to know I need to be happy" but I worry that his boys will suffer in the future, and even though I am step-m, I want to remain in their life and hopefully show that commitments matter and you can have integrity and principles and still move on if its not working.

Anyway, I feel like I am rambling... Thank you all for listening and for the support.