... D11's absolute bliss gives me that old feeling that she is betraying me and I get angry inside.
(((Hugs)))
I’ve been there. I was there for a time, trapped and scared.
My kids were all old enough to legally make there own decisions regarding certain aspects of their lives. Specifically, at the time, D15 and S17, and where/who they would live with.
I was afraid that D15 would move in with Mom and OM. That particular feeling within me wouldn’t let go. S17 was angry with Mom and he wouldn’t even see her. D15 kept her emotions hidden more, and I had difficulty crafting a bridge between her and I to allow her to openly discuss them. If you recall, at the time I didn’t speak “girl” very well. So I felt.
It’s our feelings is all. That is not to downplay them, oh no, they are very much real. However, feelings will flit when not reinforced. Fear being one of the hardest feelings to let go of.
I was afraid that D15 wanted to, or would realize she wanted to, or would wake up and decide to try to, live at OM’s with Mom. So many imagined possible futures. Fear focuses upon the negative ones. There were/are just as many (I’d say more because I’m that optimistic guy ) positive future outcomes as well.
For a time the darkness of fear obliterates the light of hopefulness.
Fear and hope are both concerning future possible events. Both live in the possibilities. We can extinguisher hope so easily (at first), and be consumed by fear. I’ve detailed my journey and way through the darkness, and hopefully provided a few signposts for those souls searching for their own ways through.
Fear is triggered. It is coupled to an imagined outcome. Fear’s irrational tentacles burrow deep within us. Bind us. Paralyze us.
My daughter’s imagined move to her Mom’s boyfriends place was irrational. (That’s doesn’t mean crazy, just not rational, based upon non-rational responses) That outcomes was an obvious unwanted and feared future event. It was also coupled to many other extensions of that. D15 would love Mom more; choose Mom’s side; believe Mom’s narrative; would hate me; abandon me; and so on. Fear’s roots are about us.
At the heart one’s fear is some imagined future of personal pain and hurt. It is perfectly normal and rational to “fear” pain and hurt. We evolved and survived to avoid such things, and therefore live and procreate.
The irrational part of the fear response is the coupling and binding it does to us. That are the ties to cut.
It doesn’t help that one is midst a hot mess of an once loving spouse. Losing fear regarding a single item, like spiders, is tough enough. The LBS has their entire life stirred up - lots to sort out.
As I mentioned many times fear is absolutely real and irrational. The ties are irrational and therefore require a elegant manner to overcome. A brute force solution has little success against such. A sideways approach I found works well. One rationalizes the irrational ties. Uncoupled fear’s grasp by uncoupling the trigger, possible future, and feeling of doom.
As irrational as one can get, I had coupled D15’s happiness with her wanting to move away from me and in with OM and Mom. What?!? Yep. So, when D15 was happy and content, I was dragged down the rabbit hole of “she must want to leave, hates me, and wants to live with Mom”.
People don’t like fear and work against and avoid the trigging events. Daughter’s happiness was a trigger. That was a big problem. Of course I want her happy, but then she’ll leave. Ah fear. Looking back, I do chuckle about it. My irrational ties. And looking back, I’m proud and pleased at what I worked my way through.
My daughter had no intention of moving in with Mom. But my feelings said otherwise. Feeling flit! Had to remind myself. Had to remind myself of the irrational coupling. Had to remind myself of the rational - if D15 is happy with you, it actually means she would stay living at home.
Fear is not just emotions. It is part of beliefs. And those are slow to change. Beliefs require consistent reminded effort to alter them. It is this slow changeability that makes our beliefs such great life heading to follow - once they are set where we want them.
It’s not about ignoring one’s fear or that fear is not real. No, fear is real! And shouldn’t be ignored. One finds and acknowledges their ties and responses and their source of pain and hurt. Then slowly uncouples it. Cuts those irrational tentacles that bind.
My daughter’s happiness is just that - Her Happiness!
My fear about pain and hurt of abandonment tied that to me. Or my pain and hurt of abandonment tied that to my fear. Either way you want to look at it. My fear is about me!
Daughter’s happiness was a trigger. Her moving out was an unwanted possible future event. I felt pain and hurt from abandonment. These got all irrationally tangled up. Fearlessness - untangles and cuts the tie.
Fearless is not feeling-less. I still feel hurt from abandonment. I don’t feel fear/believe from abandonment. I don’t tie it to anything, nor have triggers for it.
Fearless still sees and avoids the dangers. I don’t want to get hurt. And It doesn’t turn one into some thrill seeking dude with a go pro camera jumping of a building. It does allow one to act with reason and purpose. My irrational responses short circuited me to that somewhat before.
Gerda, I had those 4:00 am nights as well. Spoke with my dogs too. Felt so utterly alone!
Fear is a prison. One in which we are both prisoner and jailer.
) positive future outcomes as well.