Hi friends! I have been reading along but haven't been able to post for a while.
Things have been going good since I last posted. I am afraid to own this wholeheartedly because I know it's not a linear process, but I finally feel like I might have reached acceptance. My outlook has changed from 'what I am going to do without an intact family and H in my life?' to 'what am I going to do with all this energy and potential I have been putting in the M basket all these years?' That sentiment has been backed up by real-life actions: I have been meeting with a mentor on starting my own business, I have leaned into my kids and their well-being with joy and excitement for our future, and I am back to my usual self of being much more curious about others and their process than ruminating on my own situation (more or less .
I also began the conversation with H about next steps. He wants to negotiate and decide the division of our lives as much as possible without lawyers or third parties involved. My first reaction was hesitancy because I cannot take the spewing and monstering that seems to come with any difficult conversations. I want a third party there to act as a buffer. I am willing to try, but realized I needed some clear boundaries in place beforehand. So I asked that we both come up with a list of expectations of each other for these conversations. I started by writing an email that is basically a loving list of boundaries and deal-breakers for me. It is not unreasonable, I wrote it without resentment, bitterness or sadness, and I feel empowered that if we breach each other's boundaries, we will move forward with a third party to protect each other from further emotional harm.
On a sad note, we said goodbye to our old, loyal pup a couple of days ago. She entered our lives just before we got married and represented so many memories, life experiences, our love and our marriage. The loss is huge for our whole family and I have been crying on and off for the past week since we made the decision. H and I were able to bond over this experience and our shared grief and it seemed to crack off some of the veneer of bitterness and resentment that has been present from him. At least for now.
The kids are going back to school part-time starting next week. I will have roughly 3 hours a day, which I have not had in almost a year. What am I going to do with all that time? I am giddy with the potential (work on my business idea, get a run in everyday, complete some delayed work projects for our joint business, just having time alone that doesn't require negotiation is huge in an of itself!). I am so grateful.
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