Hi sweet Gerda, I have been following along on your rollercoaster journey this past week and have been sending lots of love and empathy your way. Despite what you have been dealing with, you sound grounded and strong. Something has shifted in your tone and approach, can you feel it? Keep feeding that fire, girl. It will burn the darkness into light.
Originally Posted by Gerda
This afternoon D11 tells me that she doesn't have to go to H's place four hours away this weekend because he is coming to our city to look for an apartment, and will be renting a place here. I almost choke on my terror, and D11's absolute bliss gives me that old feeling that she is betraying me and I get angry inside.
It is brave of you to acknowledge your feelings of betrayal from D11. Speaking them out loud serves to keep those feelings in the light where they can be examined from all angles and not allowed to fester in the dark and rear up in later years. Can I gently ask if there is a part of you that feels the betrayal not as an act of your daughter really betraying you, but that you view your daughter is a proxy of the previous Gerda? The Gerda who had so much hope and love, who stood for so long in the face of abuse? In a scream: How can daughter not see the truth about her Dad? And in a whisper: How did Gerda not see the truth about H? Something to sit with if it resonates. (((Gerda & D11)))
Originally Posted by Gerda
But I am writing this to show that the battle with fear is real. I know that the answer is to see it for what it is, whether it's based on something that could happen or something that could never happen. But also that it's lonely. It's lonely at 4 in the morning, facing your fear alone. I came downstairs and told the dog, I need you to protect me if something happens. He's a sweet dog but can be tough, he would protect me from anyone else, but not H. My mind racing, then calmed with a prayer, then racing, the early morning sky outside the window so dark still. Fear. Four in the morning, I'll go back to sleep, the morning will come. But I think it's important for those of us ladies who have suffered real abuse from these MLCers to see fear for what it is and to remember it's not based on nothing, even if they wouldn't actually hurt us physically, the fear is real and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling it and it's not your fault you have to battle it.
Fear is real. Outsiders like us can tell you to compartmentalize that fear, work through it, let it go. But the fact of the matter is that it is so visceral to you right now. Fear lives in you, in each of your cells, in your subconscious and in your conscious brain when you are experiencing it like you are. What would it look like to just sit with that fear for a while. Welcome her, get to know her, dig down to the source of her existence. You might find that there are arenas of that fear that you can soothe by talking to a L friend (like you did), or that some of the fear is irrational and can be let go. And for the rational fear, my coping mechanism is to come up plan ABC (DEF) for my fear arenas. If X happens, I will do Y, or Z. While it doesn't make the fear go away, having back up plans makes me feel stronger, more empowered and lessens the grip of fear.
Thinking of you, sweet G. You have got this and we have got you.
