Well, here is how fear works, despite the amazing words spoken by DnJ and 97Hope and everyone else. I spoke with the lawyer friend and he advised me not to complain about the judge but simply answer the motion. Contempt requires clear and convincing evidence of willful violation of an order and that is obviously not the case, I have attempted multiple times to get him and to get court to modify the amount because of a rather drastic change of circumstances to the entire WORLD's income not just mine. And despite getting no response or a reasonable adjustment, I have been paying him $1000 a month. So my friend assured me I have nothing to worry about and that I can tell the judge that H and I actually agree on the need for a modification of the order. So nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about.
This afternoon D11 tells me that she doesn't have to go to H's place four hours away this weekend because he is coming to our city to look for an apartment, and will be renting a place here. I almost choke on my terror, and D11's absolute bliss gives me that old feeling that she is betraying me and I get angry inside. Fortunately we are on the way to Mass when this happens so I have a while to try to give that feeling to God. But I feel so scared, I keep having to tell myself over and over that there is nothing to be afraid of, even if he does move back. Suddenly I don't even love my city anymore, I want to run away and remember that I can't. And I'm terrified for S15, that he might have to encounter H again too.
And now --
It's 4 in the morning and I just woke up from a terrifying dream. I was home, and I was terrifed that H was going to return. I knew he was coming. Friends were telling me that was just anxiety, nothing to worry about. I couldn't find my phone and I was getting more scared. I wanted to have a friend calm me down. And then I looked down in the landing and H was coming in. He was dressed all in black and was hanging up his coat on the hooks in our stairwell. (It's a dream, okay? i know he wouldn't stop to hang up his coat!) The dog wasn't doing anything because the dog REMEMBERS him and loves him, he's a DOG! I frantically rush down the stairs and shut the door against him, no phone but trying to think of a way to lock that door against his strength and run to the bar next door for help. I'm pushing the door back against him, trying to turn the deadbolt, screaming. And H is screaming all kinds of crazy stuff about how the end is coming for me and I will finally be brought to justice.
I wake up, literally breathing hard, terrified. I have one of those smooth wooden crosses a friend gave me, the kind they give to patients in hospitals so they can hold a smooth cross for comfort. It's handmade by a guy in TX who gives them away and I usually sleep with it in my hand, and my son, when he is anxious, also asks for it and holds it to help himself get to sleep. Anyway I say to myself, You have nothing to be afraid of. IThat's a lie from the devil, and I hold the cross and then I press it into my chest because I am still terrified. I think, is that dream a warning to me? And I think, NO! It's a lie! And I pray and try to remember that I am walking in light. Then I start thinking about how I could get a restraining order and I how I would use the dream to show how afraid I am of this man, to ensure he can't move back in. Then I remember that this order that he is trying to get dismissed is the one I finally got in place precisely to prevent his return. I think of my guy friends, one of whom is an LBS, and how I could call them to protect me. And how I can't do that. I start praying for clarity -- to know if this is just fear based on something or if I have cause to be afraid, and what I should do.
I don't know the answer or if I will get one in the days to come. But I am writing this to show that the battle with fear is real. I know that the answer is to see it for what it is, whether it's based on something that could happen or something that could never happen. But also that it's lonely. It's lonely at 4 in the morning, facing your fear alone. I came downstairs and told the dog, I need you to protect me if something happens. He's a sweet dog but can be tough, he would protect me from anyone else, but not H. My mind racing, then calmed with a prayer, then racing, the early morning sky outside the window so dark still. Fear. Four in the morning, I'll go back to sleep, the morning will come. But I think it's important for those of us ladies who have suffered real abuse from these MLCers to see fear for what it is and to remember it's not based on nothing, even if they wouldn't actually hurt us physically, the fear is real and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling it and it's not your fault you have to battle it.
Last edited by Gerda; 01/24/2109:33 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.