Been reading the forum for about 2 to 3 months already and reading what everyone is going through, its comforting to know that im not the only one going through this but also sad to know how many others are suffering through this.
My wife left about 6 months ago and moved back accross the country to where we stayed together for 4 years, she took a job there less than a month after we moved to be closer to our families. She is 24 and i am 32, been married for 3 years and together for 6, no children luckily. Havent seen her since then and she has been getting progressively colder towards me and would send me long messages blaming me for everything and saying its my fault she left, i made alot of the mistakes that this site warns against (begging, pleading, reasoning and trying to fonvince her to give us another chance). I found out a few days ago that she is seeing a friend of mine, i guess he was a bit her friend too while we were together. She is planning on filing for divorce soon.
I have wanted to make this marriage work and i havent been able to detach fully, the last few days i have kind of given up hope and think that divorce is better. She cheated on me before we got married and she blamed me for that too. She did show a bit of remorse and i forgave her but the last year before she left she would go see friends and stay out till 1am sometimes and would message other guys and when i got upset or confronted her she would always say she did nothing wrong. I know i am a difficult person and i was controlling and i didnt try connect with her emotionally as i should have, she did try talk to me about her unhappiness but i was always too stubborn to make the change in myself. I believe this is all happening for a reason and i have been growing in my faith and reading alot these last few months. If it is in gods will then we can make it work, whether the divorce goes through or not.
Not sure what advice i am looking for, just wanted to share and if anyone can give some advice it would be great.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
”If it is in gods will then we can make it work, whether the divorce goes through or not.” Read DR, as you probably know after a few months here. Read welcome threads. LTR. Also recommend “love must be tough” given above quote.
Last edited by Mumin; 01/23/2101:10 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Be careful not to take the blame for her cheating. We only control ourselves - with that being said:
Originally Posted by Ace_32
I know i am a difficult person and i was controlling and i didn't try connect with her emotionally as i should have, she did try talk to me about her unhappiness but i was always too stubborn to make the change in myself.
These are things you can work on. Through IC, reading, this forum. Set goals for yourself to become a man only a fool would leave - AMOAFWL.
This is your time. Use it to be your best.
Originally Posted by Ace_32
I believe this is all happening for a reason and i have been growing in my faith and reading alot these last few months. If it is in gods will then we can make it work, whether the divorce goes through or not.
I don't mean to be harsh - but this is happening because she is a serial cheater. God's will is never for us to be adulterers. This time can also be the most fulfilling spiritually if you focus on Him and not your W.
Since there are no children involved, I would suggest no contact, also. You might start making some changes and want your W to know about them, but the work you do is for YOU. Not her.
You will be ok. The pain is finite. I'm sorry you are here, but you are in a good place for support and advice. Read other threads and you will see you are not alone.
Stay strong. x
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thanks guys, i have read most of the links on the newcomers thread . The one sandi wrote about WW really hit home for me and i could see alot of my wife in what she was saying.
I havent read DR yet, not sure if it is available in my country but will keep looking. I agree Hope that it wouldnt be in gods will and it is her choice to keep doing these things. I was never able to trust her fully after the first time and i dont think i ever should again.
All my family and friends have been telling me that its for the best and i should move on. I dont even recognise who she is anymore. Will go no contact, i have failed quite a few times. Especially a few days ago when i found out about her and my 'friend' i lost it a bit and messaged both of them but they are denying it still. I think i finally lost hope of reconciliation when all this happened.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
I understand the desire to want to reach out and tell her and him how their behavior hurt you, but think about it. They already know this.
Yes, the denial is a clear indication that they are people to avoid.
Sandi is amazing - keep "Sandi's Rules" close. Most of us do and follow them. It can be difficult to fully go NC (especially at first) but then you find that you are doing great until contact, or you hear news of them etc. and it hurts again and you realize that you have peace when you just let them go and you live your life.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thanks Hope, trying to see the bigger picture and accept that these aren't the kind of people i want in my life. True, they know what they are doing is wrong and they dont care. WW has switched before in the past and doesn't care what she does to hurt me.
Will read Sandi's rules again and do my best to follow them going forward. I still love her and wanted to make this work so badly but i cant move on until i accept that this isn't in my control.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
Yeah i have been trying to accept things and let go for a long time, but i struggle with trying to control everything in my life and it isn't possible and just wears me out. I also wasn't happy in our marriage, so i dont know why im clinging so hard. I always wanted to work through our problems but i think it is probably my pride that is hurt pushing me the last few months. I am also very analytical and try to solve and understand things, which is impossible in this situation.
Mumin and dunnm, sorry i didnt reply to your messages and thanks for your responses too. Mumin, is 'love must be tough' a book as well? Dunnm, fair enough on what you say. My head constantly tells me to run and i deserve better, trying to convince my heart is a different story.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
