Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Basic Stats:
10 yr R 7 yr MR
2 Step Ss (18 and 20)
2nd MR for both

Looking back I feel my H started his MLC about 3 yrs ago. I just didn't understand what was happening. Life had been very stressful with a crazy XW, ill/aging parents, job stress, kid stress, etc. I also started early into menopause (probably triggered by all the stress). When the pandemic began I asked if we could just put differences on hold and get through it. I thought we were doing okay, but hell, last year was a blur as menopause was not kind to me so I was exhausted and in a fog and barely functioning. I finally got the right help and started to feel better and my H gave me the Big D talk, but couldn't tell me why exactly. I asked if he was having an affair but he said no. He had been cheated on before so I never thought he'd do that to me, but I asked anyway. It all seemed so out of the blue to me that he had come to this point. I reacted badly due to the shock, cried, begged pleaded etc. He sort of said he'd consider it and left me hanging for a few weeks until he finally said he was done.

So I kicked him out. He said he was going to a mutual friends house, and I thought that would be good for him. He oddly seemed very cold and unemotional as he was leaving and kind of in a hurry. Long story short, I don't believe he actually went to the friends house, but rather to meet his OW (EA at this point I believe). He had talked to me about his other relationships and this one in particular had been hard for him as he almost married her. I'd never been a jealous type and totally trusted him, so when he said he had an opportunity to see her I said, yes, I think you need to get some closure on that one, so it would be good for you. He saw her and I thought nothing else of it. But again, I was in my own fog... When I discovered evidence of the affair, I texted him and said I knew what he was doing and only then did he admit to the OW, but claimed he had never cheated on me...and had been in this for at least six months. He didn't tell anyone, not even his friends until after I knew. Everyone told him he is crazy and this OW is just a fantasy and he should work on our relationship. I helped raise his kids with some very bad stuff from the XW and they said I didn't deserve this. But he's not listening to anyone.

They are still communicating, and he says he doesn't want to work on the marriage and still wants a divorce. Since then he's spent time away as well as spent time here at our home staying in the basement. I started a marriage saving program and have been doing some of the suggested things such as being positive, GAL, trying to connect without coming on too strong, not talking about problems or the affair, etc.

So things have been very nice and civil between us. I know he has filled out some stuff online through a divorce website, but he has not actually served me yet. As for the MLC, looking at the signs and the actions, he fits many of them to a T. I can see now why things in our relationship had become so hard...with walking on eggshells, criticism, judgement, and other odd behaviors. He seems like a totally different person. As for the OW, she is NOTHING like me, very religious and is married and has been for 20+ years. I don't even know if her husband knows. H does not believe in religion. And obviously she is a hypocrite to have an affair and pretend she is walking a pure path.

Anyway, if I saw that this woman fit him, I'd feel like maybe it was a WAS sitch, but I do think it's MLC and this relationship broke something that he is needing to fix. Anyway, right now she lives in another state, but he is still pushing hard for divorce. At this stage, I'm not sure if I should keep contact or go dark. I've not been needy, have made no demands, I just only pointed out that I won't help him divorce me and destroy our family; I need to know that I tried...and we really never did counseling or tried. We just got caught up in the stress of the last few years...and neglected to work on it...and obviously he was not even focused on us if he was having an EA. He's drained accounts and bought toys etc.

So, I am not sure how to protect myself other than divorce. I am going to see if he will sign an agreement about the funds he's spent come from his side of the assets, but the L is behind and I worry it won't get signed before I am served. Anyway, looking for any specific advice on how to proceed as well as I just need to communicate with others that understand what I am going through. Thank you for this forum and for the amazing information on it. It's really helped me a lot (as well as the heart's blessing MLC site).

Thanks.