Steve_Treading Water

[JosephS]

Steve,
Let me give you some advice that has helped me. Unfortunately we both came here to this forum hoping to fix our marriages. Both of our spouses are serial cheaters, mental and emotional abusers. Mine just came with the added trait of being indicated child abuser.

Anyway, at first I came up with every excuse under the sun to justify my W's behavior. Heck, I even questioned if my kids were telling the truth at first about everything. From my W including them in the affair, to the abuse. My W says/may even have Huntington disease. Sadly, I wondered if I could use this as a lighthouse of hope that she would come back after she addressed her issues and "came to her senses" and would get help. (HA on that one).

There is a reality that I think you have to come to grips with, and it's the same reality I did. I'm going to be blunt, and it's not meant to hurt you. Your W doesn't care about you on any level at all. Not as a husband. Not as a father. Not as a man. Not as a person. Not as someone with feelings. In no way shape or form does your wife care about you. She cares about what you can do for her, and that's it. I pray her mentality isn't the same with your children, but we wouldn't know. You talk so little about your kids and focus so much on someone who doesn't deserve it.

So that's the reality I believe you need to accept. Here's the advice I can give.

1. Tell your lawyer what you want for custody, alimony is applicable, property split etc etc etc. Send it in writing and let them do their job and don't stress over that. I see a lot of posters that for some reason pay good money to a professional and than turn around and seem to wanna add that ball of stress to there basket.

2. Forgive yourself. You're gonna start blaming yourself for not seeing this behavior sooner, you may even get mad at yourself for wasting all this time on her when you could have started over years ago and been over this hump by now. Don't get caught up in the past and the should of, would of, could ofs.

3. Learn to love yourself Steve. Be kinder to yourself. Don't allow someone like this to hurt you anymore. This is beyond normal, this is beyond a mistake. This is willful destruction of herself and her family without a care of how it affected anyone else except her.

4. I know others have told you this, as have I. You are a single father now. You need to focus on your KIDS KIDS KIDS KIDS KIDS. I can't stress that enough. For the foreseeable future your life is about your kids. You'll be surprised how you won't feel as lonely. You'll start to notice things you never did before. The personalities, smiles, jokes they tell. I can almost guarantee you've got some lost time to make up for. There is no way with a W like yours, your attention wasn't on her far to much even before this latest episode of non-sense. I know I made that mistake because my W demanded the attention one way or another, and was very manipulative in terms of getting my attention solely on her and like a lost dog I followed her, and I lost precious time with my kids I'll never get back.

I also want to stress no matter what her family says, your previous in-laws, they are still her family first, be careful what you say. They will forgive her quicker than you realize.

Hang in there. I'm almost at the one year mark since my W walked out on everyone. She just had another mans baby and I honestly don't care. I'm too busy living my best life. Making up for lost time. Spending time with my kids. Watching TV shows I never did before. (BTW if you've never seen the office I can't recommend that enough). That sitcom got me laughing on some very dark days.There were days I didn't wanna live anymore. Days, I just didn't feel a thing. Days I never thought I'd go through. But now....I wouldn't change a thing. I live everyday, i laugh everyday, I love everyday, I am loved everyday. Everyday is a gift because I am not weighed down by someone that was out to hurt me and my kids and I was to ignorant to see it. Not every marriage can be saved, but more importantly, not every marriage should be saved. We both belong in the 2nd category.

BTW therapy helped me and my kids greatly. I still do tune ups visits because I like talking to someone who isn't judging me and is safe to talk too. I can't recommend a good therapist enough. And if you don't like your therapist, just find a new one.

Oh...and do something for yourself!! I went and bought a motorcycle and a new hand gun. 2 absolutely amazing things I love and can't picture myself never having again. 2 things I couldn't have with the ex.

One more thing..this past weekend...I played monopoly with 4 out of 5 kids with this absolutely joy of a woman I am seeing for 3 or 4 hours, cooked dinner together, and made brownies and cocoa for the kids, and than watched a scary movie. It was a fantastic Saturday night and one I would have never ever have had a year ago.

Go at your own pace, do things as you are ready. Post often, listen to the members here, because there is no substitute for experience, and know in your heart, you will get through this, and one day someone will come to this forum, and you'll be on the other end giving that advice and giving empathy to someone who really needs it.